Tribbles Aren't Trouble. Labels Are.

by David Foreman
Aug 23, 2010

Personality tests. You know the ones. Those like the "Myers-Briggs Type Indicator." Some people I know fall neatly into one category or the other. Me, not so much. In all those kinds of tests I took, I was usually all over the map. They've never really been able to classify me.

These tests seem to be designed to "pigeon-hole" people, and try to put them in neat little boxes. I've found that boxes, labels and "catch-phrases" oversimplify the vast complexity of our humanity. They also, to be sure, oversimplify the vast complexity of our sexuality.

Labels may be fine for canned goods, but not always for people.

I'm writing here what is the most open, public, and personal statement about my sexuality; not to just talk about myself, but more to add my voice to a current discussion that all too often is a divisive "issue." One that, to me, has shades of gray where many only see black or white.

I used to consider myself ex-gay. (Implicit is the fact that prior to that, I considered myself gay.) Now, I really have no idea what ex-gay means. Now, I'm an "ex" ex-gay. That's not to say I'm exactly gay, either.

So, I'm not "ex-gay" or gay, but I'm not really bisexual. Nor do I consider myself "straight." Again, labels can be very problematic. Here's what I do know: I am a man who has chosen to live in a monogamous, heterosexual relationship with the woman I love. That doesn't mean I'm not still attracted to men. Those who deny attractions outside of their committed relationships are often the first to act on them. Neither, contrary to accusations I've received, do I believe it is hypocritical or "denying my true self" to not act on those attractions. Many straight men are still attracted to women other than their spouse. To be faithful to the one you love, while still being sexually attracted to others, is NOT hypocritical. It is, in my opinion, just part of existing as sexual beings.

Timothy Kincaid, over at Box Turtle Bulletin, introduced me to the term "Spousosexual;" a term I believe was coined by Dr. Warren Throckmorton.

Spousosexual: when a person is primarily attracted to persons of the same sex but has found that affection and love for their opposite-sex spouse engenders sexual attraction to that one person of the opposite sex.

Again, I don't like labels, but I guess that one would come the closest to describing me.

In Thou Shalt Not Love Patrick M Chapman suggests that sexuality exists on a continuum. This can help explain why not everyone can so easily be crammed into pre-determined categories. Mr. Chapman's book, by the way, is the single most complete and thorough treatment of the subject I've ever seen. He writes from the viewpoint of a gay Christian anthropologist.

So, anyway, I went through so-called "reparative therapy." I used to be part of an "ex-gay" support group. I no longer promote "ex-gay" ministries. I did receive some positive input throughout my therapy, but I'm convinced that if the "ex-gay" factor had been removed, most (if not all) of the positive aspects of counseling could have been retained. For me, the promises of a changed orientation are, at best, exaggerated.

I personally cannot continue to encourage anyone to pursue any kind of "reparative therapy," but neither would I deny them their choice, or belittle them for it. HOWEVER, I must say that of all the people I have personally known who say they "came out" of homosexuality, none of them ever quit being attracted to those of the same sex. I guess I can't say, as some do, that it's impossible. That would require me to have all knowledge of all people throughout all time. In essence, I would have to be God.

I can say that in all my years, I've never seen it happen. I have seen many who have said it happened, end up proving it didn't. Many people in the movement now admit that usually, the only change is in behavior, and not in orientation. And as one young struggler has said, "Well, that's just not good enough." At the same time, I can not label as "liar" those who claim a different experience. How terribly arrogant, and simultaniously ignorant to do so.

Another label I used to wear was "right-wing, Republican, evangelical Christian." The journey "out" of that socio-political mindset that masquerades as following God, is a journey many have taken, and more and more people who follow Christ are beginning to take. That journey has recently become "big news" through the statements of author Anne Rice. (God bless you, Anne).

As part of that journey, (including much investigation, Bible study, research, prayer, and just plain living) many of my beliefs have changed. I am now convinced that when the Bible is properly approached, interpreted, and understood - not as a constitution, but as a divinely inspired community library - there is nothing condemning committed, monogamous same-sex relationships. Like many, it is because of my commitment to Christ (not in spite of it) that I refuse to be anti-gay, and I refuse to oppose marriage equality. You are, of course, free to disagree.

I won't go into all the Biblical and extra-Biblical discussions, interpretation, analysis, and arguments here. Many have already done that, and have done a much better job than I could ever do. (Check out the additional resources at the end of the article.)

I think we all - straight, gay, bisexual, ex-gay, label-less, whatever - need to be loving and supportive (or at least lovingly tolerant) of the choices of others. Yes, people will make bad choices. That's always going to happen. We can, and should, share our knowledge and experience. Sharing our experience, though, is very different from demanding others conform to our experience. We simply MUST be able to disagree without hating each other. In A New Kind Of Christianity Brian McLaren devotes an entire chapter to our need to be able to talk about our sexuality without yelling at each other.

Jesus spent a whole lot of time teaching us to love each other. He didn't spend any time telling us to force our beliefs on others. (Read, The Myth of a Christian Nation: How The Quest For Political Power Is Destroying the Church by Gregory A. Boyd.)

Nathan Albert, of the The Marin Foundation said

"Homosexuality has become an issue in many Christian circles (not all, but many). It's become a hot-button issue. People are afraid of it. People debate over it. People do awful things to one another because of it. And I have a problem with that. It makes me tired. [emphasis mine] My problem is this. Homosexuality is not an "issue" at all. It's not a hot-button "issue." It's not an "issue" that people fight over. It's not an "it" at all. It's not an "issue" at all. This is about people. People." (Read the entire Article)

Those statements seem to ring true with me.

I've found that attitudes often change when things are moved from "issues" to "people." This was certainly true of Andrew Marin, whose life was forever changed when some of his friends came out to this self-proclaimed "Bible-banging homophobe." Everything is simple when it's all "in theory." I can't tell you how many Christian friends of mine have taken stands on various issues, only to do a 180 when the situation "hit home." When it's no longer about abstracts, and it's about the people you know and love; when it's about YOUR life, things look a lot different. No, that doesn't change "truth," but it can certainly make us realize we may not have had the grasp on truth that we thought we had.

OK. I know I'm an exception, and not the rule. I can't believe I'm one-of-a-kind, but I may quite likely be "one-of-a-few". Even with marriage: My wife and I were divorced and remarried. That almost never works. Again, we are the exception. BUT, that is a large part of my point. All these labels, boxes, and definitions are just a little too "neat" for real life. I know we can never totally avoid them, but we need to be very aware of their limitations.

I started off by saying I was writing to add my voice to the current discussion. I didn't say I have any written-in-stone answers. I know the One Who, I believe with all my heart, does have all the answers. But I don't believe He's going to just "lay it all out" for us. I believe that discovery, that journey, is much of the purpose of life. I don't know all, or even very many of, the answers. I am increasingly wary of those who claim they do. But I do know a couple things Jesus has made very clear: "Love God. Love people." If we can just learn to walk together and talk together, without all the anger and mistrust, well...It may not be the whole solution, but I think it's a pretty good place to start.


[Photo from Star Trek, the original series, episode "The Trouble With Tribbles." Original airdate December 29, 1967]


FOOTNOTE:
I will say, even if you do believe the Bible is anti-gay (which I do not), that is no reason to oppose gay marriage. In the USA, you don't have to be a Christian to get married. You don't have to go to a church to get married. You don't have to believe in God to get married. Therefore, in this country, marriage is an act of the state. It is a legal contract. In the United States, marriage is not a religious right. It is a social institution. Just from a legal perspective, there is no reason to deny gay couples that legal avenue. Plus, since the divorce rate among evangelicals is as high or higher than the rest of the country, any talk from them about the sanctity of marriage is empty rhetoric, and laughably hypocritical.


THANKS:
Prior to publication, this post was sent to a select few for feedback and input. This included those who self-identify as gay, ex-gay, and straight. I give sincere thanks to all who responded. Agree or disagree, those who chose to respond did so with respect. Of course the biggest thanks goes out to my wife, who has walked this journey with me for over three decades. What a true woman of God. She also gave input into this article, as well as the MUCH needed proof-reading. And she helped me choose from about 10 possible titles.


©2010 David Foreman. All rights reserved. Used with Permission
This article was originally posted on David's blog.

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