Nelson's Story

by Nelson Blaine

This may be an overly simple answer, but God's actions cannot contradict His character. I am a former Baptist pastor, seminary instructor and teacher. I taught in Bible College in Moscow, Russia, worked with youth gangs, the Mafia and syndicate. I have always felt safe and welcomed into their homes and hoods - anytime, day or night. In the late 50's onward, while I was in high school, I was involved in the Civil Rights Movement. I well remember pastors using the Bible to justify their reasons for supporting segregation, some saying integration was a communist plot to destroy America, etc.

After I gave my heart to Christ during Nam, the above beautiful people I told of God's love were not warmly welcomed into my churches. Christians would not accompany me into gang hoods because they said it was not their ministry.

When I started working with suicidal and depressed Christian gay youth and adults, some being only 12 years old, some Christians said I should let these kids kill themselves rather than have them grow up and contaminate society. Others said that if it were legal, they would stone me and my gay youth to death.

I grew up with 100% gay feelings since grade school, but in my day, being gay was considered to be wrong, unnatural and immoral. I believed this and convinced myself I was a straight man who had strong gay feelings. I did all I could to stop being gay. I prayed for hours and years, fasted, was anointed with oil, confessed my desires to the church and practiced abstinence. No matter what I did, I was still gay. I found myself beginning to hate God for being a puppet master who just wanted to get a kick by letting me have these unwanted feelings. I was an evangelist who led many to Christ. I walked into the middle of gang fights, saved some lives, and mentored other pastors, and was finding myself getting farther and farther from God.

It was not until I attended a James Dobson Anti-gay Rally held in SafeCo Field [Seattle, WA] that God spoke to my heart. I was running after some gays that had been quietly protesting, who left. I wanted to share Christ with them. It just so "happened" that the first gays I ran into were young Christians who loved their Lord. They listened to me respectfully and took some tracts I offered.

Later one of my gang kids (a gangster disciple) came to me. He was searching for answers because he was gay. He asked me if I still had gay feelings as I had shared with him my church experiences. I feel it is critical to be completely open with youth, but I lied to him and said, "No". He surrendered his colors to me, and yet I could see in his eyes I disappointed him. As soon as he left, God convicted me of the lie I told him and God said in my heart, "Why can't you accept yourself as I made you?"

However, I still did not come to terms with my sexuality for over a year. It was not until a mother asked for prayers for a suicidal gay person in adult Sunday school class that I decided to begin to come out a little. I cut her off because she was about to identify the gay person as her 14 year old son, and I did not feel she should do this. One time her son came into my classroom and curled up in a fetal position crying. He was afraid of his dad. It was at that moment I knew I had to publicly come out (well, kind of). I told my pastor I WAS gay and did not just have gay feelings. He left the church shortly after and told the new pastor what I had shared with him. I was excluded within a week.

I went from being, as called by some, another Apostle Paul to Athenma [A Greek word meaning cursed by God]. It was painful, but worth it, because now I was honest with my being and the person God made me. I was no longer living a lie. Even before then I asked several of my youth (I was also a youth leader) what they would think of a minister or church leader who told others that God loves them but being gay was against God's will. Every kid said they thought that person would be a hypocrite, and they would lose respect for him. I was to find out later that the leader they respected was gay himself.

Shortly before I came out, our youth pastor asked the kids and adult leaders to write down what they were feeling. I wrote a poem about a Christian gay youth who could not understand why he had gay feelings and still be able to love God with all his heart. The youth began to question everything about himself and God's love. The youth pastor invited those who wanted to share their writings. I showed him mine, and he gave me permission to read it (as a note - he was at my later exclusion meeting and stuck up for me. Even my wife was not allowed into the meeting).

Because I came out, I have been able to prevent several youth from committing suicide. They would also bring me their gay friends who were questioning their existence and God's love. I am fortunate because I am retired military and could take them out to the base, so they eat in the chow hall, look at aircraft, go bowling, etc... I would explain to them the dimensions and magnificence of the universe. I told them that near the outer edge of a not too large galaxy were over a billion stars. Among those stars was a rather insignificant planet called Earth and on that planet is a boy named Mike, a 12 year old, who God knew and loved before he was conceived in his mother's womb.

A year later this youth, and his friend who brought him to me, visited the homes of our church youth to pray for them and anoint them before the upcoming school year. He would sing while bouncing between my shoulder and his friend's as we drove from one house to the next. I knew the kids had to be hungry so I asked them if they would like to eat. We stopped at McDonalds, and as I was about to give thanks the Lord stopped me and asked, "Why don't you ask if one of the kids wanted to pray?". In the booth the once suicidal now 13 year old said, "I would like to pray". He thanked God for the food and thanked God he was still alive. I can't write this without crying today; that was about 5 years ago.

The religious pastors dropped me, some understanding ones stuck with me, but for the most part the adults ignored me. However not one youth did. I don't know why I waited so long to come out. Maybe because it was so I could experience what it was to be a closeted gay Christian with a jillion questions. Perhaps it was to better understand the feelings of homophobia and the part religion has in it. I told God, on more than one occasion, that I would announce to all that I was wrong in saying God accepts and loves gays and that gay marriage was OK with Him. Each time God politely reminded me that He thought we had settled this issue and not to question His "voice" to me that day I came out.

I am truly free. I know that God loves me. I also know that to deny that God accepts and loves us gays would be a lie against Him. As I said in the beginning, God is not stupid. He is all-knowing for all eternity. He makes no mistakes, and the actions of God cannot contradict His character.

God bless you all,
Nelson Blaine

"You Are Significant Because God Doesn't Make Mistakes or Junk"

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