Bible College Blues
Oh the irony!
by Jent
Note from Mary: This story appears on Jent's blogging page. I felt that it was a story that would benefit many by the reading, so asked if I could post it here under Personal Stories. If you wish to read more by this talented young writer, please check out her Blogging page.
I'm 21, from Chicago and attending Bible College in Missouri. I graduate in May 2008 and will transfer in to a secular college to finish my degree in Philosophy and Anthropology.
After a hypothetical slap in the face, I have acquired a new sense of self and placement and have gained a second wind. With much thought, and encouragement/opinions from CG1, I have concluded, in the abridged version, "What was I thinking?!"
I was seriously going to call it quits and give up - POOF! - gone. I wish I could understand the idiosyncratic, over eccentric workings my little brain conceives. I began with prayer and ended with an analytical, poetical smirk.
I had another meeting yesterday with the Dean of Women, the President of the school, and the Residential Director of Women, but this time with the Board of Directors looking on. All three took turns expressing how they thought it would be best if I transferred schools. I sat there in a swamp of shame, failure, and dysphoria, listening to dead, apathetic sound waves echoing around me. I felt like I had failed God, my family, and my girlfriend. If only these three knew what I was fighting with... And then it clicked. Even though I felt the cold dampness slumming down on me, my tiny brain started working again. Why have I been letting these people get to me? Why have I let myself fall so low in spirit, mind, and body?
The President asked me what I was thinking... how foolish. Most that know me would suggest that you never ask me what I am thinking. But he did, so I told him:
"Do you think it is 'Christian' to look past the struggles of an individual for two and a half years and then one day decide they would 'excel' elsewhere? How do you know what is best for me when you don't even KNOW me and if you did, all this school knows how to do is pass judgement upon those who are, at the time, too weak to defend themselves? You talk about this 'Christian' image we are to uphold, but it is never displayed by the leadership of this school AND when the students take it upon themselves to communicate with 'the lost', we are criticized and scolded. What sense does this make? Jesus spent his time with the sinners, the sick, the social outcasts. What are you, in your little bubble of bunnies and flowers, doing that mirrors the image and example of Christ?"
There was a long silence after this. The past few meetings I've had with these three was mainly them talking and me nodding. I was too exhausted to think or focus on the situation to retain anything that had been said long enough to realize what was happening, so my 20 second speech floored them.
Pres: "I'm not sure I understand what you are getting at."
Me: "It's not what I'm getting at, it's where this school is at."
DOW: "There is no need to get defensive. We understand this is a difficult time for you and we only wish to help...."
Me: "Help? Where is the help in wanting me to transfer to another school? Where do you get the idea you are helping me?"
DOW: "Your help is here, waiting for you to confess your sins and be reborn in HIS image of righteousness."
Me: "I confess my sins daily, and your subliminal hintings toward what you think my sin is couldn't be further from the truth."
Pres: "So you are denying that you are a homosexual?"
Me: "Denying it is beside the point I am making. If I were to confess my sins to God right now, repenting of homosexuality would NOT be one of them. It would be well of you to stop judging me and everyone else who sets your eye off. God loves me just the way I am, and when I enrolled in this school, I was under the impression that all Christians love every individual unconditionally, just as God has loved them."
DOW: "We love the sinner but hate the sin."
Me: "Christians have bastardized that phrase. You can't tell me that you love me after the crap you have put me through this past month. I, like everyone else, have paid my dues and if you want me gone bad enough, I want every dime I put into this school refunded. I doubt that Jesus' message was anything close to what this school is portraying through its ignorance and fear. God embraced his people while they were sinners and rejoices when his children return home. As a Christian college, one would think that you, above all, would want sinners here. This school is so full of false and misleading doctrine, and as the school statistics show, you lose over 70% of incoming freshmen after the first semester. Perhaps this is due to the pharisaic, sacrilegious, dogma this school forces down your throat opposed to the teachings of love and kindness toward one another as described by Jesus."
Pres: "Well, can you show us where in the bible we have gone wrong? Do you have any scripture references to back up your accusations?"
Me: "The power of a tyrant lies in the ignorant populace. Read not to argue or to debate, but to wait and consider."
I nodded to the Board of Directors with a half-hearted smile, and walked out of the counselling office feeling somewhat accomplished. I went straight to my dorm room where I started packing up my clothes - I knew I was going to be expelled after the things I said in this meeting, especially in front of the Board. After about 20 minutes of packing, my floor Residential Assistant came knocking on my door, announcing that I was wanted back in the counselling office. 'Here we go again', I thought.
I walked slowly across the campus, enjoying the cool weather. When I arrived in the office, the board members were conversing in their own private discussions and the President of the school was sitting hunched over toward one of the board members. I wasn't really sure what to do, so I paused awkwardly and stood in the middle of the doorway for a few minutes. Finally, the President called me over to where he was. He introduced me to the little fat man he was talking to and then walked off. The fat man told me that I was going to learn the outcome of today's discussion. He must have seen the confusion in my face and said, "Weren't you told this was an appeal of expulsion?" My jaw dropped. No one told me that I was being expelled and that meeting was supposed to be me defending myself and explaining why I should not be expelled. I dropped my head as my heart sunk to the floor. The fat man put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Sit down".
I did and the rest of the board took their seats. I sat there with my logical self fading and my foggy self resurfacing. The fat man looked around at the rest of the Board and asked if anyone was in favour of me getting expelled. Silence. I looked up to see the Board members staring blankly at each other. One of the members then motioned that this case be dropped and I continue my education. Everyone was in favour of the motion. The gavel struck.
"That's it?" I thought. The little fat man dismissed the board and after everyone had cleared out, he pulled up a chair and talked to me, like I was a human being, not a disease or the antichrist, just a normal 21 year old. He asked about family and friends, school and work, dreams and goals, everything. I thanked him for his time spent during the discussion and vote. He smiled and said,
"Even though this school is against allowing a member of the GLBT community attend, I see nothing wrong with a good, Christian education, provided it IS just that."
"Sir," I said "you said the 'GLBT' community... why... I mean, most say homosexual..."
"Kiddo," little fat man said "my daughter is a little bit older than you and she is a lesbian, my son was born the twin sister of my lesbian daughter, an FTM. Whether or not you are a lesbian is no business of this college. Just do your work, go to class, and don't kiss your girlfriend in public."
At that he winked at me and that analytical, poetic smirk spread across my face. I won't let this school win, not when the head of the Board uses the term 'GLBT community'.
Oh the irony!
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