Confessions of a Christian Lesbian

ChristianGays.com has come about as a result of many years of turmoil and depression at being unable to reconcile my sexuality with my Christianity. It is a labour of love with the mission of reaching other hurting gays who believe that they cannot be Christian if they are gay. Trust me. It IS possible to be gay AND Christian! (See the Education Link for in-depth information.)

At the age of 12, I fell in love with my swimming counselor at camp and from that time on, I knew I was "different". This incredibly wonderful (straight) woman has remained a faithful friend to me for over 50 years now.

After school, I married a very special man and together we raised four beautiful daughters. It was an unconventional marriage to say the least, but it was filled with love, humour and compassion and lasted for 33 yrs. until he passed away.

At the age of 26, the Lord put the most Godly Christians in our pathway and they were such an example of the true beauty of Christ that I was intrigued at the possibility that there might be something to "this Christianity thing". I started reading everything I could about it, took correspondence courses and did group Bible studies. At one point I said, "God, if you are really there, then speak to me in my ear so that I will know for sure that you exist, and if you do that, I will give you my life."

Many months went by and I continued to devour all that I could find about the Bible and Jesus, and on the morning of Feb. 7, 1972 I awoke praising God! He had bypassed my ear and spoke directly to my heart.

"You will seek Me and find Me when you search for me with all your heart."     Jer. 29:13

From that moment I was delivered from smoking, drinking and swearing, and to this day, I have never had a doubt of God's existence.

Then at age 30, after leading my neighbour to the Lord, within a year and a half, we had fallen in love. We prayed daily to be delivered from this "terrible sin" but we just could not resist each other. For 10 yrs. we struggled and it took a toll on my Christianity. I finally said, "God I can't NOT be gay" and my belief at that time was that if I was gay, then I could not be Christian, and thus began the next 10 years of separation from my Creator, my Friend, the One who had been my constant Companion for so many years. I was now breaking my vow to God and it tore me apart. I spent these next 10 yrs almost exclusively in bed, taking Gravol and Tylenol 1's to make me sleep.

Then my husband became very ill and I sensed that he was dying, and once more, but this time without any effort on my part, God made His presence known to me and I felt myself being drawn back into the fold.

My dear husband did die and I started going back to Church. It felt so good to be back in God's house again and to fellowship with my friends of 30 yrs.

We had new pastors, a husband/wife team, and their meetings were excellent. They seemed to be so compassionate and non-judgmental that I decided to confide my dilemma to the wife in the hope that she could counsel me and give me some guidance.

I took her out for lunch and bared my soul to her. To my shock, she admitted to me that she had had 8 same-sex relationships herself and I thought, "Thank God. You have sent me someone who knows what I've been going through." She had a friend who was involved in the Ex-Gay movement and she was going to try to get her to talk to me and said she would call to follow-up. I was so hopeful with the anticipation of finally finding peace for my troubled soul. I waited day after day but she never called me, or returned my calls to her. Instead, she called my lover and started counseling her. In the process, they became "emotionally attached" and now I was just in the way. I felt so betrayed. This was my pastor, the woman I had confided in, the woman who said she would help me, and now she not only didn't have time for me, she also took priority in my lover's life. The woman I had loved for 24 years now stood me up so that she could be with my pastor.

So within 6 months, I lost my husband of 33 yrs, my lover of 24 yrs, and my pastor. After so many years of being surrounded by both families, I was now alone for the first time in my life. I also lost my whole social life which was my Church family, since I obviously could no longer worship at that Church. The depth of my loneliness could not be described.

Within a short period of time, I met a wonderful woman on the internet, didn't realize I was rebounding, asked her to marry me and move to Canada, which she did. Unfortunately it only lasted 7 mo. and she returned to the U.S. She is a beautiful woman and I am pleased to say that we are still friends.

During this period of time I read Is The Homosexual My Neighbor?. I had read it about 20 years ago and it made sense to me then but I was so indoctrinated by the Church and by society that I was unable to assimilate it. This time however, I was able to read it with an open mind and it finally "clicked". It now makes so much more sense to me than the traditional views of homosexuality. I then started reading other books about this new research into interpretation of Scripture.

I firmly believe that the Bible, in its original languages, is the inerrant Word of God. However, translations must deal with text where perhaps there is no comparable word for the original, or meanings of words are sometimes lost or changed, so, just as slavery was condoned for so many years based on incorrect interpretation of Scripture, and just as Jesus was crucified because the people of His time misunderstood Scripture, so too I believe that society and the Church have been misled into thinking that a loving relationship between two people of the same sex is wrong. God is the source of love. God has created each of us in God's own image with natural attractions to the opposite or same sex. God doesn't make mistakes.

I am pleased to say that I am now at a place of total peace and harmony with my sexuality and my spirituality. I believe with all my heart that I am the person that God created me to be (still a work in progress mind you) and as such, I can be proud to be a gay Christian with all the rights and responsibilities that that entails.

Of course there is no way that I can justify my adultery. The guilt at times was so overwhelming. I just thank God that I have been washed in the blood of Jesus and can now stand in His presence, forgiven. One of my daughters, when I confessed to her my relationship with her "second mother", said that I had been living a life of self-imposed schizophrenia. She was absolutely right and I thank God that I no longer have to live the lie, that I can be honest about who I am. I would rather be rejected by people for what I am, than be accepted by people for what I am not, but there has been a price to pay. It has not been easy, but I would do it again in a heartbeat.

For those of you who are struggling, I pray that my story may give you hope. I encourage you to read all that you can from this fresh perspective and know that God loves you just exactly the way you are.

"You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free."    John 8:32

With love to you all,
Mary Pearson - Read my Article about why I say I am
Gay by God.  Proud by choice!



WHEN I SAY, "I AM A CHRISTIAN"

When I say, "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting, "I am saved!"
I'm whispering, "I get lost"
"That's why I chose this way"

When I say, "I am a Christian"
I don't speak with human pride
I'm confessing that I stumble
Needing God to be my guide

When I say, "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong
I'm professing that I'm weak
And pray for strength to carry on

When I say, "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success
I'm admitting that I've failed
And cannot ever pay the debt

When I say, "I am a Christian"
I don't think I know it all
I submit to my confusion
Asking humbly to be taught

When I say, "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect
My flaws are all too visible
But God believes I'm worth it

When I say, "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartache
Which is why I seek His name

When I say, "I am a Christian"
I do not wish to judge
I have no authority
I only know I'm loved.

Copyright © 1988 Carol Wimmer
Used with Permission


Note from Mary: As I tried to find the author of this wonderful poem to ask if I could use it, I came across many versions of it. I didn't know which was the "real" version. I was also unsure if I would be granted permission to print it, considering the position of many Christians about homosexuality. I am blessed and honoured to have received the following permission from Ms. Wimmer, and what you read above is indeed the original as she wrote it. Her response to me was so special that I wanted you to read what kind of Spirit-filled person created it.

You may certainly post my poem on your website if that is your desire. All I ask is that my copyright information remain with the words. If you wish, you may also include my e-mail address so that others may contact me as you have done.

I assume by the title of your site that you are involved in ministry for or within the gay community. I am of the opinion that God's image within the human creation has nothing to do with sexual orientation. Go with God and celebrate His light within you.


Blessings,
Carol Wimmer (will bring up a letter addressed to Ms. Wimmer if you wish to contact her)

Please visit Carol's new website.