Hello....it's me (p. 2)
Posted on 24/07 21:53
Hi, it's Teri. Been about a month, but I'm getting back into writing, which has been my strong suit. I love putting my thoughts down, choosing just the right words to express what I'm feeling. I know you all got an eyeful last time, with my entry about my most recent crush, on the young soap-gal Sabine Singh (Susan Lucci's onscreen stepdaughter for 9 months). A couple other things have affected me in the months since Sabine found her quick way to my heart. This 'round', things are different, like it's going full-circle. Lynn's return was one of them. I was thinking that the last chapter of our story had been written when she moved to Florida. Well, she returned in February; now I hear her voice in calling to talk with Yolanda. Her return stirred up memories of our story more vividly, plus what followed, which I will resume shortly. For now, 2 other happenings have made me feel I'm finally arriving--like a wrapup of the tale of my past 4 1/2 years.
Our last day of school was June 5. The excitement was there, as I awaited my kids coming out for the last time in 2007-08. But it was not to be just another last day-- I couldn't believe my eyes: coming down the front steps was a face I knew well, but I hadn't seen in over a year: my friend/my love of 2006, Karin!I had to look twice, for a moment, I didn't recognize her! But then, my heart leaped up as she came down the steps with her little boy, now 5. With great timing, my kids came out just around the time she did. I cried out Karin, Karin, as that familiar, pretty face took me in and came right over. I gave her a big hug, the 18 months apart just falling away as I held her. My kids saw hers--both her daughters were there too, her 10 yr old Jacqueline my height!--and it was just like old times, in their final months here in fall 2006. I got a bit touchy-feely with her, as I had before, but was able to put as leash on it. We all chatted for a few minutes, before Karin had to get to their motel. My Josie had said Jacqueline, her former classmate, was an 'old' friend, not a friend 'now'; but they quickly were slapping each other playfully, as they had before; with Josie trying to play hide & seek. I knew that relationship wasn't the same; but as with mine, seeing each other made it seem like no time had passed.
I got Karin's new cell number, and we did talk later on that evening. Things were good in Indiana, and they would try to return later that summer for a longer visit; they'd only come for the day. I also got the courage to say, there was something I'd been wanting to talk with her about--and I hoped we could that next time we saw each other. Karin well remembered there was something I'd wanted to say, and said we would talk. As of now, they haven't re-visited; likely they won't this summer, at this point. But, with Karin, I'm on a footing that I have rarely been, but hope to be more: planning to come-out to a very spiritual friend; be less afraid to claim my affection for both sexes; and trust that, even if she thought my sexuality was wrong, she would not turn on me, but try to understand. It was a rarity, that feeling. I have told no one I've known from my church--Karin would be the first. A piece of my recent past, who carried this new step, had come back. Even if I don't see or speak to her again for months, she with her too-brief visit was both the past and a step to the future.
Another blast from the past came the month after that--one I haven't delved into yet, but which helped get me through a tough time in late 2003, early 04. Alexis M., a penpal I met through Lifetime online, though 10 years younger, was wise and compassionate; and became a sounding board for me--as well as my next crush (:. Her bestfriend was Abby, and she'd become friends with Robyn, whose dad ran a hotel she often went to on business trips. I will touch more on this in my 'chronology', but to make a long story short, Alex died in an accident February 19, 2004, at age 27; and her passing hit me hard. I was falling hard for her, through our letters & talks, and I raged that, after losing Lynn, why did I lose her too? Abby, later Robyn, kept in touch with me for awhile; they knew I'd cared, and wanted to help. In 2005, they became a couple, and we gradually lost touch. I'd wanted and needed some connection to Alex; helped me deal with the recurring pain of her death. But as we moved forward, the memories became enough--I could think of her without tears or regret.
Well, early last month, I heard from both of them! They'd broken up, but had gotten back together--and wanted to chat with me again occasionally. (They also like my blogs here!) They, of course, stir up memories of Alex, who'd been a lifeboat for me in 6 rough months. I hadn't thought of her in over a year, or how her support had helped set me on the path I'm on today--but that came rushing back with them. I wasn't sure I wanted to renew contact--I've long made peace with the loss, and I didn't want to stir up ghosts, or put a bloc of what-ifs in my path. But, as it happened with Karin, they served a purpose--here, touching on raw feelings I hadn't dealt with head-on before. And this, too, coming during a period of 'awakening' for me. Not last year, or 2006, but now. 4 elements that have most shaped my recent life--aside from my family--coming together at this time, I don't feel is a coincidence. I feel these are, in a way, revisiting the past; tying loose ends, showing how they've affected me now. How seemingly isolated events, crowning with the gift of young Sabine, play a part in my so-far improved attitudes. And I wouldn't even have HER in my life, if part of my 6-yr path--even the rough patches--was different.
I can't say for sure what tune I'll be singing this time next year, or even next month. But in my gut, I'd say I'm more at peace and patient than I've been in years--and that's a good start for my 41st year.
Bi for now.
Teri
Our last day of school was June 5. The excitement was there, as I awaited my kids coming out for the last time in 2007-08. But it was not to be just another last day-- I couldn't believe my eyes: coming down the front steps was a face I knew well, but I hadn't seen in over a year: my friend/my love of 2006, Karin!I had to look twice, for a moment, I didn't recognize her! But then, my heart leaped up as she came down the steps with her little boy, now 5. With great timing, my kids came out just around the time she did. I cried out Karin, Karin, as that familiar, pretty face took me in and came right over. I gave her a big hug, the 18 months apart just falling away as I held her. My kids saw hers--both her daughters were there too, her 10 yr old Jacqueline my height!--and it was just like old times, in their final months here in fall 2006. I got a bit touchy-feely with her, as I had before, but was able to put as leash on it. We all chatted for a few minutes, before Karin had to get to their motel. My Josie had said Jacqueline, her former classmate, was an 'old' friend, not a friend 'now'; but they quickly were slapping each other playfully, as they had before; with Josie trying to play hide & seek. I knew that relationship wasn't the same; but as with mine, seeing each other made it seem like no time had passed.
I got Karin's new cell number, and we did talk later on that evening. Things were good in Indiana, and they would try to return later that summer for a longer visit; they'd only come for the day. I also got the courage to say, there was something I'd been wanting to talk with her about--and I hoped we could that next time we saw each other. Karin well remembered there was something I'd wanted to say, and said we would talk. As of now, they haven't re-visited; likely they won't this summer, at this point. But, with Karin, I'm on a footing that I have rarely been, but hope to be more: planning to come-out to a very spiritual friend; be less afraid to claim my affection for both sexes; and trust that, even if she thought my sexuality was wrong, she would not turn on me, but try to understand. It was a rarity, that feeling. I have told no one I've known from my church--Karin would be the first. A piece of my recent past, who carried this new step, had come back. Even if I don't see or speak to her again for months, she with her too-brief visit was both the past and a step to the future.
Another blast from the past came the month after that--one I haven't delved into yet, but which helped get me through a tough time in late 2003, early 04. Alexis M., a penpal I met through Lifetime online, though 10 years younger, was wise and compassionate; and became a sounding board for me--as well as my next crush (:. Her bestfriend was Abby, and she'd become friends with Robyn, whose dad ran a hotel she often went to on business trips. I will touch more on this in my 'chronology', but to make a long story short, Alex died in an accident February 19, 2004, at age 27; and her passing hit me hard. I was falling hard for her, through our letters & talks, and I raged that, after losing Lynn, why did I lose her too? Abby, later Robyn, kept in touch with me for awhile; they knew I'd cared, and wanted to help. In 2005, they became a couple, and we gradually lost touch. I'd wanted and needed some connection to Alex; helped me deal with the recurring pain of her death. But as we moved forward, the memories became enough--I could think of her without tears or regret.
Well, early last month, I heard from both of them! They'd broken up, but had gotten back together--and wanted to chat with me again occasionally. (They also like my blogs here!) They, of course, stir up memories of Alex, who'd been a lifeboat for me in 6 rough months. I hadn't thought of her in over a year, or how her support had helped set me on the path I'm on today--but that came rushing back with them. I wasn't sure I wanted to renew contact--I've long made peace with the loss, and I didn't want to stir up ghosts, or put a bloc of what-ifs in my path. But, as it happened with Karin, they served a purpose--here, touching on raw feelings I hadn't dealt with head-on before. And this, too, coming during a period of 'awakening' for me. Not last year, or 2006, but now. 4 elements that have most shaped my recent life--aside from my family--coming together at this time, I don't feel is a coincidence. I feel these are, in a way, revisiting the past; tying loose ends, showing how they've affected me now. How seemingly isolated events, crowning with the gift of young Sabine, play a part in my so-far improved attitudes. And I wouldn't even have HER in my life, if part of my 6-yr path--even the rough patches--was different.
I can't say for sure what tune I'll be singing this time next year, or even next month. But in my gut, I'd say I'm more at peace and patient than I've been in years--and that's a good start for my 41st year.
Bi for now.
Teri
Hello....it's me (p.1)
Posted on 29/06 21:26
Hi. This is Teri--back again after an absence of what, about 2 1/2 months? A few things, twists, have happened since I last posted in April. I fully intend to continue my story of Lynn & me--the memories seem fresher, now that she's here again; and I've had occasional voice contact with her. Hearing her voice still present on the fileclerks' voicemail, when I leave a message for Yolanda, still touches a nerve; I know part of me will always be moved by her. But several experiences have come my way, which affect me directly, more than 5 yr old memories. So, I will 'break back in' here with them; with chief focus on one that has touched me most, in this first draft.
Recall the crush I revealed before--on the young soap actress Sabine Singh (now ex-Greenlee, AMC)? I had hoped I'd meet her someday. Well, that 'someday' happened May 10! It was a charity event in Orlando, Florida, called 'TailsNTots.' It was for 2 charities--'Therapeutic' animal shelters ('tails') and Katrina relief projects, mainly for kids ('tots'). Katrina relief, through the contemplative group Art of Living, is Sabine's well, 'pet' charity--she's passionate about service, esp to disaster victims. This was the first event of its kind, co-organized by her fansite president Amy. (I am now her chatgroup moderator--the fansite's kid sister) SS's fansite offered tickets, to see her & 8 other ABC soap stars that were coming; with a chance to sit at a star's table! (extra $$, of course (:)) Well, I couldn't have penned this any better on that soap--it was, for me, a true miracle. Her table sold out right away, and so I tried for another way in, through an auction. I put in a bid, which was dwarfed the same day! I couldn't afford to go higher--so, that was it. I grumbled at the dinner table, maybe there would be something later, in New York (where she & her old soap were).
But then, going into her site the next morning, I saw that someone at her table couldn't make it after all. She had to work--and she was selling her ticket, at discount, cause she didn't want it to be wasted! It was about 1/3 of what I'd have spent at auction--and, with my SkateZone 71 savings, I could afford it. So, I jumped on it, emailed this girl--and made arrangements to get the ticket. To make a long story short, I mailed her 2 payments--and the ticket was mine within 2 weeks! Barring any trouble, I was going to meet Sabine Singh, the girl who had caught my eye--and eat lunch with her, too!!!!
As I said--what a twist; that I couldn't have penned myself, any better. A miracle, for me; I had never gotten such a 'gift'. I thanked God at church every Sunday from March to May for it. I truly believe it was a gift for the effect that Sabine has had on me. I was infatuated by seeing her onscreen; but as mentioned, the intensity of that waned; as did the scandal which hurt her. I could go on for several posts about the event--but it was her at a personal level, that has touched me; and rekindled my attraction to her; this time, it was from meeting the person, not from 'Greenlee'. Actually, attraction is putting it mildly. No woman has affected me so much, so fast, since Lynn. With Karin & my late penpal Alexis, I grew into them. This was of the lightning-bolt variety, like Lynn. Her irreverent humor, how much she cared about service, and the way she took extra time with me, knowing it was my first fan event, just kept me riveted. She also flattered me-- when hearing I was a mystery shopper, she acted truly interested, and asked if she could email me about info! I thought she was just being polite--that even if she was interested, she was likely too busy with the play she was in. Well, she did email me 3 days later!! I just couldn't get over how focused she was on service, how she more preferred hearing about her fans, not herself, and, though she still hurt from AMC, she didn't bash the gal who replaced her. I was inspired by that--thinking about things I'd do, that she would think were 'good', and helpful. She affects me like that, from 600 miles away now! I know she'll have her flaws, like anyone--but if that event was her 'best foot', she really is something!
She gave me an experience, also, that I wish I had more of. I told her I was nervous about meeting her. She asked why, and I said I thought she was so cool, with the things she did. She appreciated that I felt that way--but said she was basically just doing her job, like I did mine. I then confessed my other reason--that I had a crush on her. She seemed amused--then lifted my ring-hand, saying she thought I was married (and thus thought I was straight). I got flustered, and said that I was. She then said, but you like women too--and I said yes, I'm bi. She then asked if Tim knew, if he was straight (yes & yes)--then floored me again by saying her sibling was gay! She didn't back off from me, either--took the promised pictures with me, then even told her soap comrades about me!! When I went in for the group pic with the stars, she called me her 'new friend'(hope that took!)--and asked the others if she'd mentioned me. A couple rolled their eyes, and said, 'yeah, we've heard all about Teri.' They parted to let me and Sabine stand together--and she put her arms around me, and I her (can't be rude! (:)).
Looking back, there are a couple things I wish I'd done differently. But I'm not living in regrets. Which is a new tack for me. I'm appreciating what I got in getting to go there; and having her in my life a little bit. I was so alive that day, so me, no worries. What a coup. It was through someone I barely know (who I'd like to get to know better), that my attitude about me and my sexuality was affected so deeply. A look toward the future, not backwards. Plus an experience of just being me, sharing my crush, and having it be just a 'normal thing.' It came through someone who, but for a twist of fate, I wasn't supposed to meet--at least not yet. I truly believe God had a hand in that.
As I said before, she did email me 3 days after, and I replied--a reply I later found she didn't get, and so I resent my info. She sent out several other emails in the 2 weeks after, to me and a number of others. To keep it short, something deep happened which shook her up; and affected her work on the 1-woman play, and with its producers. So, she had to drop it (her understudy took over). I was deeply concerned, and emailed her, giving my support. She appreciated my concern, and said she was going one day at a time. I so wanted to be there for her--to take her in my arms, like at the event. But I knew all I could do was pray--that her family & beau would be there for her; God would send my prayers and good vibes to her; and she'd always know she has a solid fan in little Grove City--whom I hope she'll someday consider a real friend (as she does fansite pres Amy). She's back on the NY audition circuit, Amy wrote today--so maybe my prayers did help a bit after all! I'm so glad that she's 'healed' enough to get cracking again! (:
I sent her a 'fan pack' through Amy--just a few things I thought she'd enjoy. I don't know if Amy has it yet, or if she's sent it. But it felt so good doing it! It's a new thing with the actress Sabine--I'm not damming my attraction to her, but nor am I having delusions about being a 'best buddy.' Having gotten the gift of meeting her, plus that 'it' factor that so attracts me and makes me want to know her more, I am taking baby steps to use it wisely. I so long for the high I got at the event, and from the emailings in late May--but with her busy again with auditions ( and hopefully, a job soon), I know that contact with her will be limited--except for future fan events. And if I can become that 'real friend.' Knowing she'd be glad to see me again at an event, and that I made her happy in Florida and my emails, is slowly becoming enough. With how I feel about her, it's hard--I want to hold her again, see her face just a few feet away. But I'm seeing that patience helps--not my strong suit, but I'm trying. I just so burst, too, with wanting to talk about my crush--rather than dwell on what it would have been like if I'd met her in x year, like I did with Karin, and with Lynn. I was meant to see and fall for her in 2007.
Sabine also, which I couldn't tell onscreen, is a tiny gal--about 5'3" in high heels, and maybe 110 lbs. The work she did on the soap (14 hour days!), plus volunteer efforts with her charity, required much physical and mental exertion. That tells me that, for her to take it all, she had to have a deep heart, and believe strongly in what she did. No one's perfect, but she seems to be one who often acts on her passion for service. I hope I, too, can feel freer in being who I am, and acting on what I believe. I feel truly blessed to be drawn to, and get to meet, someone like her--and it couldn't have happened if my past were different. Nor would I have Tim & the kids, either!
I can say again--thank you God! What a gift. 'Handle with care!'
Bi for now.
Teri
Recall the crush I revealed before--on the young soap actress Sabine Singh (now ex-Greenlee, AMC)? I had hoped I'd meet her someday. Well, that 'someday' happened May 10! It was a charity event in Orlando, Florida, called 'TailsNTots.' It was for 2 charities--'Therapeutic' animal shelters ('tails') and Katrina relief projects, mainly for kids ('tots'). Katrina relief, through the contemplative group Art of Living, is Sabine's well, 'pet' charity--she's passionate about service, esp to disaster victims. This was the first event of its kind, co-organized by her fansite president Amy. (I am now her chatgroup moderator--the fansite's kid sister) SS's fansite offered tickets, to see her & 8 other ABC soap stars that were coming; with a chance to sit at a star's table! (extra $$, of course (:)) Well, I couldn't have penned this any better on that soap--it was, for me, a true miracle. Her table sold out right away, and so I tried for another way in, through an auction. I put in a bid, which was dwarfed the same day! I couldn't afford to go higher--so, that was it. I grumbled at the dinner table, maybe there would be something later, in New York (where she & her old soap were).
But then, going into her site the next morning, I saw that someone at her table couldn't make it after all. She had to work--and she was selling her ticket, at discount, cause she didn't want it to be wasted! It was about 1/3 of what I'd have spent at auction--and, with my SkateZone 71 savings, I could afford it. So, I jumped on it, emailed this girl--and made arrangements to get the ticket. To make a long story short, I mailed her 2 payments--and the ticket was mine within 2 weeks! Barring any trouble, I was going to meet Sabine Singh, the girl who had caught my eye--and eat lunch with her, too!!!!
As I said--what a twist; that I couldn't have penned myself, any better. A miracle, for me; I had never gotten such a 'gift'. I thanked God at church every Sunday from March to May for it. I truly believe it was a gift for the effect that Sabine has had on me. I was infatuated by seeing her onscreen; but as mentioned, the intensity of that waned; as did the scandal which hurt her. I could go on for several posts about the event--but it was her at a personal level, that has touched me; and rekindled my attraction to her; this time, it was from meeting the person, not from 'Greenlee'. Actually, attraction is putting it mildly. No woman has affected me so much, so fast, since Lynn. With Karin & my late penpal Alexis, I grew into them. This was of the lightning-bolt variety, like Lynn. Her irreverent humor, how much she cared about service, and the way she took extra time with me, knowing it was my first fan event, just kept me riveted. She also flattered me-- when hearing I was a mystery shopper, she acted truly interested, and asked if she could email me about info! I thought she was just being polite--that even if she was interested, she was likely too busy with the play she was in. Well, she did email me 3 days later!! I just couldn't get over how focused she was on service, how she more preferred hearing about her fans, not herself, and, though she still hurt from AMC, she didn't bash the gal who replaced her. I was inspired by that--thinking about things I'd do, that she would think were 'good', and helpful. She affects me like that, from 600 miles away now! I know she'll have her flaws, like anyone--but if that event was her 'best foot', she really is something!
She gave me an experience, also, that I wish I had more of. I told her I was nervous about meeting her. She asked why, and I said I thought she was so cool, with the things she did. She appreciated that I felt that way--but said she was basically just doing her job, like I did mine. I then confessed my other reason--that I had a crush on her. She seemed amused--then lifted my ring-hand, saying she thought I was married (and thus thought I was straight). I got flustered, and said that I was. She then said, but you like women too--and I said yes, I'm bi. She then asked if Tim knew, if he was straight (yes & yes)--then floored me again by saying her sibling was gay! She didn't back off from me, either--took the promised pictures with me, then even told her soap comrades about me!! When I went in for the group pic with the stars, she called me her 'new friend'(hope that took!)--and asked the others if she'd mentioned me. A couple rolled their eyes, and said, 'yeah, we've heard all about Teri.' They parted to let me and Sabine stand together--and she put her arms around me, and I her (can't be rude! (:)).
Looking back, there are a couple things I wish I'd done differently. But I'm not living in regrets. Which is a new tack for me. I'm appreciating what I got in getting to go there; and having her in my life a little bit. I was so alive that day, so me, no worries. What a coup. It was through someone I barely know (who I'd like to get to know better), that my attitude about me and my sexuality was affected so deeply. A look toward the future, not backwards. Plus an experience of just being me, sharing my crush, and having it be just a 'normal thing.' It came through someone who, but for a twist of fate, I wasn't supposed to meet--at least not yet. I truly believe God had a hand in that.
As I said before, she did email me 3 days after, and I replied--a reply I later found she didn't get, and so I resent my info. She sent out several other emails in the 2 weeks after, to me and a number of others. To keep it short, something deep happened which shook her up; and affected her work on the 1-woman play, and with its producers. So, she had to drop it (her understudy took over). I was deeply concerned, and emailed her, giving my support. She appreciated my concern, and said she was going one day at a time. I so wanted to be there for her--to take her in my arms, like at the event. But I knew all I could do was pray--that her family & beau would be there for her; God would send my prayers and good vibes to her; and she'd always know she has a solid fan in little Grove City--whom I hope she'll someday consider a real friend (as she does fansite pres Amy). She's back on the NY audition circuit, Amy wrote today--so maybe my prayers did help a bit after all! I'm so glad that she's 'healed' enough to get cracking again! (:
I sent her a 'fan pack' through Amy--just a few things I thought she'd enjoy. I don't know if Amy has it yet, or if she's sent it. But it felt so good doing it! It's a new thing with the actress Sabine--I'm not damming my attraction to her, but nor am I having delusions about being a 'best buddy.' Having gotten the gift of meeting her, plus that 'it' factor that so attracts me and makes me want to know her more, I am taking baby steps to use it wisely. I so long for the high I got at the event, and from the emailings in late May--but with her busy again with auditions ( and hopefully, a job soon), I know that contact with her will be limited--except for future fan events. And if I can become that 'real friend.' Knowing she'd be glad to see me again at an event, and that I made her happy in Florida and my emails, is slowly becoming enough. With how I feel about her, it's hard--I want to hold her again, see her face just a few feet away. But I'm seeing that patience helps--not my strong suit, but I'm trying. I just so burst, too, with wanting to talk about my crush--rather than dwell on what it would have been like if I'd met her in x year, like I did with Karin, and with Lynn. I was meant to see and fall for her in 2007.
Sabine also, which I couldn't tell onscreen, is a tiny gal--about 5'3" in high heels, and maybe 110 lbs. The work she did on the soap (14 hour days!), plus volunteer efforts with her charity, required much physical and mental exertion. That tells me that, for her to take it all, she had to have a deep heart, and believe strongly in what she did. No one's perfect, but she seems to be one who often acts on her passion for service. I hope I, too, can feel freer in being who I am, and acting on what I believe. I feel truly blessed to be drawn to, and get to meet, someone like her--and it couldn't have happened if my past were different. Nor would I have Tim & the kids, either!
I can say again--thank you God! What a gift. 'Handle with care!'
Bi for now.
Teri
Right After
Posted on 14/04 08:15
Hi. This is Teri--back again. It's been awhile. I tried to do an entry last week, but due to my server acting goofy, it failed. Also, due to switching hard-drives, I can't reply to messages thru sbcglobal.net. But know that I've read them, and think about you. I'll try to get back on chat soon.
Where we left off--well, I knew after Lynn dropped the bombshell, that things would change. At the time, I didn't know how much ( or which way). After recovering from the shock (well, momentarily), I did not bother with the casual/concerned friend show. I plunged right in, asking how far along she was, had she considered anything else. I was hoping she'd think thru such a drastic choice. Still, it was a tough avenue--wanting to hold to my belief in all life, born & unborn, and not being 'preachy' or dismissive of her feelings. I wasn't the one enduring a divorce, working out shared custody, who'd become a mom at 17. Nor had she told her family yet--or that 'Jack', their best family friend (9 yrs older than her), was the father.
I asked Lynn why she hadn't told me-- was this what was on her mind since the weekend of the Christmas party? ( was it just a few weeks ago? sigh) She quietly nodded, said she was almost 2 months, and said she knew how I felt about ending a pregnancy. She was trying to figure out a way to tell me, that she had only told Jack besides me. Part of me felt touched that, despite her knowing how I felt, she still thought she could turn to me for help; trust me. In that, though, lay a whopper of an adult dilemma, one I had never dealt with personally. No adult had ever sought me, just me, for advice on a sensitive manner. I was always the one asking advice. Also, in me was an answer--but how to give it, and make her see that I was still willing to stand by her somehow?
As we went to the Donatos near her apartment for lunch, I started broaching the reasons maybe she should think it through. Fear of losing her kids was one--thinking ex-hubby Matt would use this against her. I spoke up for her in trying to get her to reconsider: reminding her that she was working 2 jobs, that she was the one mainly raising the kids, and he occasionally reneged on child support. He had also left them for 3 weeks in mid-2002, before returning and asking another chance. She'd forgiven him, and given him that chance; but it hadn't worked out. Lynn conceded all this, but said she still couldn't take a chance. I think she then got what I was saying about 'helping' with the procedure; cause she asked if we could just stop talking about it. I said sure, whenever she wanted to talk, I'd be there to listen.
Actually, at Donatos, we did start to talk again. She lashed herself for making a mistake, for not waiting til her divorce was 100% final to start 'seeing' Jack. Yes, it was a mistake--but I felt that making this choice would only compound it. I didn't say that aloud, just let her talk. I was starting to realize the depth of my feelings, my attachment, to her; and the thought of losing any of that, esp at a time she was reaching out for help, was scary. I couldn't give her reason to push me away. Maybe she had reached out to me hoping I'd find another way. I would try. Even if on the surface she seemed sure, I would still try. That was the best, and only, path I saw. It was a good lunch, turned out; during which she said Jack commented about me: I wish I had friends like that. Flattered I was, yes-- but also feeling more on a tightrope.
When we got back, I assured her I wouldn't say anything; not even to the other clerks. I asked her to keep me informed on how things were going, and said if she ever needed to talk, I'd listen. She nodded as I said these things, having become strangely quiet as we drove back. She didn't respond to my hug, either. I fought the urge to call Tim from work, not knowing who might walk by my office. I knew I had to share it with at least him, and see what we could do to help her. One thing I knew, I could personally, privately do, was pray. I had a St. Jude prayer card--the Catholic saint of 'desperate cases.' I would pray to him, and God; hoping Lynn would change her mind, if there was something else that could be done for her and the child. I had til January 25, her scheduled appt. I knew it would be a tough 17 days. But I had to do something--and the next day, I would start.
Bi for now.
Teri
Where we left off--well, I knew after Lynn dropped the bombshell, that things would change. At the time, I didn't know how much ( or which way). After recovering from the shock (well, momentarily), I did not bother with the casual/concerned friend show. I plunged right in, asking how far along she was, had she considered anything else. I was hoping she'd think thru such a drastic choice. Still, it was a tough avenue--wanting to hold to my belief in all life, born & unborn, and not being 'preachy' or dismissive of her feelings. I wasn't the one enduring a divorce, working out shared custody, who'd become a mom at 17. Nor had she told her family yet--or that 'Jack', their best family friend (9 yrs older than her), was the father.
I asked Lynn why she hadn't told me-- was this what was on her mind since the weekend of the Christmas party? ( was it just a few weeks ago? sigh) She quietly nodded, said she was almost 2 months, and said she knew how I felt about ending a pregnancy. She was trying to figure out a way to tell me, that she had only told Jack besides me. Part of me felt touched that, despite her knowing how I felt, she still thought she could turn to me for help; trust me. In that, though, lay a whopper of an adult dilemma, one I had never dealt with personally. No adult had ever sought me, just me, for advice on a sensitive manner. I was always the one asking advice. Also, in me was an answer--but how to give it, and make her see that I was still willing to stand by her somehow?
As we went to the Donatos near her apartment for lunch, I started broaching the reasons maybe she should think it through. Fear of losing her kids was one--thinking ex-hubby Matt would use this against her. I spoke up for her in trying to get her to reconsider: reminding her that she was working 2 jobs, that she was the one mainly raising the kids, and he occasionally reneged on child support. He had also left them for 3 weeks in mid-2002, before returning and asking another chance. She'd forgiven him, and given him that chance; but it hadn't worked out. Lynn conceded all this, but said she still couldn't take a chance. I think she then got what I was saying about 'helping' with the procedure; cause she asked if we could just stop talking about it. I said sure, whenever she wanted to talk, I'd be there to listen.
Actually, at Donatos, we did start to talk again. She lashed herself for making a mistake, for not waiting til her divorce was 100% final to start 'seeing' Jack. Yes, it was a mistake--but I felt that making this choice would only compound it. I didn't say that aloud, just let her talk. I was starting to realize the depth of my feelings, my attachment, to her; and the thought of losing any of that, esp at a time she was reaching out for help, was scary. I couldn't give her reason to push me away. Maybe she had reached out to me hoping I'd find another way. I would try. Even if on the surface she seemed sure, I would still try. That was the best, and only, path I saw. It was a good lunch, turned out; during which she said Jack commented about me: I wish I had friends like that. Flattered I was, yes-- but also feeling more on a tightrope.
When we got back, I assured her I wouldn't say anything; not even to the other clerks. I asked her to keep me informed on how things were going, and said if she ever needed to talk, I'd listen. She nodded as I said these things, having become strangely quiet as we drove back. She didn't respond to my hug, either. I fought the urge to call Tim from work, not knowing who might walk by my office. I knew I had to share it with at least him, and see what we could do to help her. One thing I knew, I could personally, privately do, was pray. I had a St. Jude prayer card--the Catholic saint of 'desperate cases.' I would pray to him, and God; hoping Lynn would change her mind, if there was something else that could be done for her and the child. I had til January 25, her scheduled appt. I knew it would be a tough 17 days. But I had to do something--and the next day, I would start.
Bi for now.
Teri
Part One--January 8, 2003
Posted on 20/02 10:23
Well, here I am, as promised, to reveal the all-too-real twist between Lynn and me. (I will say, this is sensitive stuff. So, please keep this on the blog-area only) Truth be told, I went into work that Wed. with a funny feeling. I had been off the day before; and when I called Lynn, as per usual on Tuesday, she said she had called off too. Lynn had also been off Monday. She still sounded sick, but said she'd mainly stayed home cause she needed to 'think things out.' I thought 'here we go again.' After that talk, I was so upset I opted out of watching my then-favorite show, '24', with Tim & the kids; and went straight to bed at 9. I was restless, though. Tim got that--he could tell that Lynn was my reason for the early sleep; but warned not to make myself sick over it.
Well, my dreaming mind took over. I do remember it, too--kind of deja vu, considering what happened January 8, Wednesday. In my dream, our office was in the basement, and it had sun shining thru the windows. I crossed an intersection--in real life, nowhere near the office--to get to work; and went to the file clerks' office. Lynn had just arrived; she & her cohorts were saying the phrase 'life & death'--more than once. I left, returned, Lynn was gone; and so were the others.
I woke up the next day when Tim did ( he gets up at 4:30 for work), and told him I was going to find out today what was going on. That dream was haunting--but gave me impetus. I arrived at work early, ran over 2 blocks of leftover ice & snow, and was pleased & relieved to see Lynn's car. Just 5 days before, the big thing was OSU being national champs. Right then, that wasn't even a blip on my radar. I nodded at receptionist Jessica, and hurried to the file room. No sun shining thru windows--there were none there--but all clerks were there, including Lynn. I was also palming some cash I'd promised her; but that clearly wasn't on her mind as she sat hunched over her desk, clutching her stomach. Yolanda and Elena seemed very concerned. I went over, touched her shoulder, and asked what was wrong. She said she had stomach flu, and couldn't shake it. She had to come to work, though, cause she'd used her sick days for the quarter. I asked her to come to my office when she had the chance. I decided to wait on her 'sick' issue; and wanted to give her the cash privately.
She came by about 10 minutes later, and smiled weakly when she saw what I had. She said she hadn't needed it right then, it could've waited. But, for me, it was another chance to help her! So, for me, it couldn't wait! She thanked me and said she couldn't hug me; cause she had the flu. I was thinking, I'll take my chances. (: But I didn't push. Soon, she'd be alone, while the others were collecting files, and we could talk. So, I went to work; processing the files from yesterday. As it happened, I had to return one file to the file room. Lynn was by herself, shelving mail. As I was leaving, she asked, "what are you doing for lunch?' I said, I was just gonna eat in my office. She asked me to go out with her, that she wanted to talk about something important. My stomach whirled, as I realized this was truly it; today. I had been so anxious to 'get it all out'--but what if the secret was that she'd guessed how I felt, and wanted to 'let me down' privately? I wasn't ready for that. But, the stage was set. This was it.
We were quiet walking outside. I asked if she felt well enough to drive, she said yes. We got in her car. I recall the twinge in my stomach and my heart starting to pound, as soon as we sat down. Still, I decided the 'normal friend' approach was best; so I asked coolly, 'OK, what's up?' Lynn was silent a moment, then the reply that would shake my world quickly followed; with aftershock rippling into Spring months. ( as u will see)
"Well, for starters, I'm not sick," she said flatly. "I don't have stomach flu."
I asked, then what was it, not sure I wanted the answer.
She told me she'd been feeling this way off and on for about a month now.
She didn't need to say another word.
"Oh, my gosh," I whispered. 'You're pregnant."
Lynn nodded quietly.
Seeing the look on her face, I added what I knew she would: the baby was 'Jack's', her family friend; not 'Matt's', still legally her hubby, though they were months separated. So, Jack & her....more than friends now, since he came in the Fall.
She confirmed it.
Ah boy.
I asked what she & Jack were going to do.
She told me--and dropped me again on my head.
I was, and am, am a pro-lifer; and my then best-friend at work told me she had no choice: she couldn't have the baby. She feared Matt would use it against her, and seek custody of the kids. My persistent argument, reminding her that she was main support of her kids and largely a single parent (both in her favor), fell flat.
She had told no one else, she said; only me. Cause she felt she could trust me---and she needed my help with this! My help, to 'end this'. Pro-life me, who now faced my biggest adult test of personal principles. I knew I couldn't help this happen--but at the same time, I couldn't push my friend into a spot where she had to handle things alone.
That moment, her taking me out to reject me would've been easier to handle.
To be continued....
Teri M.
Well, my dreaming mind took over. I do remember it, too--kind of deja vu, considering what happened January 8, Wednesday. In my dream, our office was in the basement, and it had sun shining thru the windows. I crossed an intersection--in real life, nowhere near the office--to get to work; and went to the file clerks' office. Lynn had just arrived; she & her cohorts were saying the phrase 'life & death'--more than once. I left, returned, Lynn was gone; and so were the others.
I woke up the next day when Tim did ( he gets up at 4:30 for work), and told him I was going to find out today what was going on. That dream was haunting--but gave me impetus. I arrived at work early, ran over 2 blocks of leftover ice & snow, and was pleased & relieved to see Lynn's car. Just 5 days before, the big thing was OSU being national champs. Right then, that wasn't even a blip on my radar. I nodded at receptionist Jessica, and hurried to the file room. No sun shining thru windows--there were none there--but all clerks were there, including Lynn. I was also palming some cash I'd promised her; but that clearly wasn't on her mind as she sat hunched over her desk, clutching her stomach. Yolanda and Elena seemed very concerned. I went over, touched her shoulder, and asked what was wrong. She said she had stomach flu, and couldn't shake it. She had to come to work, though, cause she'd used her sick days for the quarter. I asked her to come to my office when she had the chance. I decided to wait on her 'sick' issue; and wanted to give her the cash privately.
She came by about 10 minutes later, and smiled weakly when she saw what I had. She said she hadn't needed it right then, it could've waited. But, for me, it was another chance to help her! So, for me, it couldn't wait! She thanked me and said she couldn't hug me; cause she had the flu. I was thinking, I'll take my chances. (: But I didn't push. Soon, she'd be alone, while the others were collecting files, and we could talk. So, I went to work; processing the files from yesterday. As it happened, I had to return one file to the file room. Lynn was by herself, shelving mail. As I was leaving, she asked, "what are you doing for lunch?' I said, I was just gonna eat in my office. She asked me to go out with her, that she wanted to talk about something important. My stomach whirled, as I realized this was truly it; today. I had been so anxious to 'get it all out'--but what if the secret was that she'd guessed how I felt, and wanted to 'let me down' privately? I wasn't ready for that. But, the stage was set. This was it.
We were quiet walking outside. I asked if she felt well enough to drive, she said yes. We got in her car. I recall the twinge in my stomach and my heart starting to pound, as soon as we sat down. Still, I decided the 'normal friend' approach was best; so I asked coolly, 'OK, what's up?' Lynn was silent a moment, then the reply that would shake my world quickly followed; with aftershock rippling into Spring months. ( as u will see)
"Well, for starters, I'm not sick," she said flatly. "I don't have stomach flu."
I asked, then what was it, not sure I wanted the answer.
She told me she'd been feeling this way off and on for about a month now.
She didn't need to say another word.
"Oh, my gosh," I whispered. 'You're pregnant."
Lynn nodded quietly.
Seeing the look on her face, I added what I knew she would: the baby was 'Jack's', her family friend; not 'Matt's', still legally her hubby, though they were months separated. So, Jack & her....more than friends now, since he came in the Fall.
She confirmed it.
Ah boy.
I asked what she & Jack were going to do.
She told me--and dropped me again on my head.
I was, and am, am a pro-lifer; and my then best-friend at work told me she had no choice: she couldn't have the baby. She feared Matt would use it against her, and seek custody of the kids. My persistent argument, reminding her that she was main support of her kids and largely a single parent (both in her favor), fell flat.
She had told no one else, she said; only me. Cause she felt she could trust me---and she needed my help with this! My help, to 'end this'. Pro-life me, who now faced my biggest adult test of personal principles. I knew I couldn't help this happen--but at the same time, I couldn't push my friend into a spot where she had to handle things alone.
That moment, her taking me out to reject me would've been easier to handle.
To be continued....
Teri M.
I have finally returned
Posted on 14/02 11:13
Hi, folks. It's Teri. After almost 3 months, I have found my way back onscreen here. I will be giving a brief 'preview'--several key things that have happened since we last 'spoke' in late November. Christmas was fun; I truly enjoyed it this year, after my heart was preoccupied in 2006 by the departure of Karin. As usual with things you like, though, it went much too fast--with an unfortunate replay of Ohio State's championship-game loss. Though they did look better this year, seemed more competitive. I have a very-PT job at SkateZone71, a roller rink/video arcade once called USA Roller Rink--the place my grade-school held skating parties 30 years ago!! Meaning I sometimes get paid just to skate--as a floor guard/monitor!
Karin and I,after almost 6 months, finally spoke by phone again. I finally got her! Plus a Christmas-family picture card from her: 9 days after the fact! (: I had sent her one too, hoping it was the right addy in Indiana (guess it was (:). She's doing well, as a substitute art teacher for her kids' school and teaching vacation Bible school for kids at her Lutheran church. Her oldest, once my older daughter's BF, is into dancing and plays now. We chuckled at the thought that my Josie could play piano for her daughter's acts. (: That would be cool, should we see them again. She said they're planning to come here to Columbus this summer. Just hearing her voice, made me think of how I once felt for her; and how much I still care. That voice can still catch and hold me, though I've moved on. I have decided that, should we indeed meet again, I will come out to her. She has remembered that I wanted to share something, and so is ready to hear me. She did agree that friends should be able to share important things, even tough ones, so that was the clincher. Hope it comes to pass as planned. This is either very brave, or very crazy--haven't decided which yet!!
Speaking of crazy, how about a crush on a young woman I haven't even met? I have been a fan, off & on, of the soap opera All My Children. The role of Greenlee--stepdaughter of Susan Lucci's Erica Kane--was recast in 2007 when the originator, gone 18 months, chose not to return (now married and in California). A newbie named Sabine Singh--daughter of an India maharaja--took over. Fans, including myself, were skeptical at first, because creator Rebecca was popular; though the character wasn't. (: Anyhoo, she caught on after some months; and when Greenlee developed a new romance, away from her abusive ex, that caught on too. Greens became my favorite--but I didn't realize how much, til the axe fell. In a desperate move for a ratings fix ( Amc, still 6 of 8), Sabine was fired, without notice, to bring back Rebecca, a name actress whom they thought was 'the answer.' Sabine wasn't told til a month after the fact; just days before Christmas. Worst of all, came tacky promos hyping the return of 'the "Real Greenlee' all over Sabine's last month of work. What was she--a fake??? She couldn't even watch her last month's work w/o it being rubbed in her face. I felt, like, this blow to the gut when I read the news, and saw the promos. I started accessing her fansite more. Looking at her pictures, reading how she'd enjoyed the role, now this treatment--my heart went out to her. Like with Lynn--something just happened. I felt this draw--maybe, partly, the Florence Nightingale effect ( where nurses fall for hurting people). I started accessing her site every day, wanting info; and tearing up when I watched her on AMC now, knowing what had happened. I thought about her while working at Skate Zone-- imagining holding her hand-- and taping her last few weeks of shows. Though I'd never met Sabine (maybe I could someday at a fan event), she had that same 'wow' effect on me that Lynn initially did!! Reading some about her as a person--esp spending 3 years helping the poor in other countries--was an arrow to my heart; made me want to know her more. The intensity has waned, as has the aftershock of events; but I still want to know her more. I am still in 'puppy love' for a young lady who wouldn't know me from Adam!
Now, the finale of my preview, a soap-operish twist: Lynn has come back. After living 5 1/2 months in Florida, she has come home. According to our mutual friend Yolanda--again her coworker--Lynn loved the weather in Daytona, and being with her dad, but this is her home. She was born & raised in Ohio, and most of her family is here. This time, though, she'll have her dad with her; he came up with her to stay. Her 2-year boyfriend, who moved with her, also came back with her. She is now receptionist at the law firm she left in August. I heard her voice when I called to speak with Yolanda last week. I didn't identify myself; just asked for Landa. She said, 'hang on a minute, Teri'. She still knew my voice, even after that time of despising me, then being 'civil' just before she left. I have to admit, my heart jumped a bit. Here I was thinking, when she moved away, that this was it; this was how is was meant to be with us, a semi, unofficial truce. But now she's back, and the chance exists that I will see, maybe talk with her, again. She was brought back here for her, this was God's plan for her. But being here, she is now in my orbit (remotely) again. I now wonder, after 5 years, if Lynn is meant to play a permanent role in my life, somehow. My soap crush, her return--kind of a parallel 'storyline' that I couldn't have penned any better.
With Lynn et. al. in mind, and my other FYIs on board, I shall resume the tale of 2003; where I left off, in January of that year. I promised, before the hack job, that my next post would 'reveal.' And it shall. The story continues, with parts of my heart mixed in. See you in a day or two!
Bi for now.
Teri
Karin and I,after almost 6 months, finally spoke by phone again. I finally got her! Plus a Christmas-family picture card from her: 9 days after the fact! (: I had sent her one too, hoping it was the right addy in Indiana (guess it was (:). She's doing well, as a substitute art teacher for her kids' school and teaching vacation Bible school for kids at her Lutheran church. Her oldest, once my older daughter's BF, is into dancing and plays now. We chuckled at the thought that my Josie could play piano for her daughter's acts. (: That would be cool, should we see them again. She said they're planning to come here to Columbus this summer. Just hearing her voice, made me think of how I once felt for her; and how much I still care. That voice can still catch and hold me, though I've moved on. I have decided that, should we indeed meet again, I will come out to her. She has remembered that I wanted to share something, and so is ready to hear me. She did agree that friends should be able to share important things, even tough ones, so that was the clincher. Hope it comes to pass as planned. This is either very brave, or very crazy--haven't decided which yet!!
Speaking of crazy, how about a crush on a young woman I haven't even met? I have been a fan, off & on, of the soap opera All My Children. The role of Greenlee--stepdaughter of Susan Lucci's Erica Kane--was recast in 2007 when the originator, gone 18 months, chose not to return (now married and in California). A newbie named Sabine Singh--daughter of an India maharaja--took over. Fans, including myself, were skeptical at first, because creator Rebecca was popular; though the character wasn't. (: Anyhoo, she caught on after some months; and when Greenlee developed a new romance, away from her abusive ex, that caught on too. Greens became my favorite--but I didn't realize how much, til the axe fell. In a desperate move for a ratings fix ( Amc, still 6 of 8), Sabine was fired, without notice, to bring back Rebecca, a name actress whom they thought was 'the answer.' Sabine wasn't told til a month after the fact; just days before Christmas. Worst of all, came tacky promos hyping the return of 'the "Real Greenlee' all over Sabine's last month of work. What was she--a fake??? She couldn't even watch her last month's work w/o it being rubbed in her face. I felt, like, this blow to the gut when I read the news, and saw the promos. I started accessing her fansite more. Looking at her pictures, reading how she'd enjoyed the role, now this treatment--my heart went out to her. Like with Lynn--something just happened. I felt this draw--maybe, partly, the Florence Nightingale effect ( where nurses fall for hurting people). I started accessing her site every day, wanting info; and tearing up when I watched her on AMC now, knowing what had happened. I thought about her while working at Skate Zone-- imagining holding her hand-- and taping her last few weeks of shows. Though I'd never met Sabine (maybe I could someday at a fan event), she had that same 'wow' effect on me that Lynn initially did!! Reading some about her as a person--esp spending 3 years helping the poor in other countries--was an arrow to my heart; made me want to know her more. The intensity has waned, as has the aftershock of events; but I still want to know her more. I am still in 'puppy love' for a young lady who wouldn't know me from Adam!
Now, the finale of my preview, a soap-operish twist: Lynn has come back. After living 5 1/2 months in Florida, she has come home. According to our mutual friend Yolanda--again her coworker--Lynn loved the weather in Daytona, and being with her dad, but this is her home. She was born & raised in Ohio, and most of her family is here. This time, though, she'll have her dad with her; he came up with her to stay. Her 2-year boyfriend, who moved with her, also came back with her. She is now receptionist at the law firm she left in August. I heard her voice when I called to speak with Yolanda last week. I didn't identify myself; just asked for Landa. She said, 'hang on a minute, Teri'. She still knew my voice, even after that time of despising me, then being 'civil' just before she left. I have to admit, my heart jumped a bit. Here I was thinking, when she moved away, that this was it; this was how is was meant to be with us, a semi, unofficial truce. But now she's back, and the chance exists that I will see, maybe talk with her, again. She was brought back here for her, this was God's plan for her. But being here, she is now in my orbit (remotely) again. I now wonder, after 5 years, if Lynn is meant to play a permanent role in my life, somehow. My soap crush, her return--kind of a parallel 'storyline' that I couldn't have penned any better.
With Lynn et. al. in mind, and my other FYIs on board, I shall resume the tale of 2003; where I left off, in January of that year. I promised, before the hack job, that my next post would 'reveal.' And it shall. The story continues, with parts of my heart mixed in. See you in a day or two!
Bi for now.
Teri
Happy New Year-2003 ( for now)
Posted on 11/11 00:46
Hi. I'm Back. It's been what--five weeks? Yeah, it's been awhile. The kids have had their sports, doctor's appointments; and I finally got a pT job at a skating rink. It's near where I grew up--so it's like going into the past whenever I go in. Kind of fitting. Maybe God's way of keeping me on the explorer's path. Anyway, I needed a pick-me-up, after my #1 Buckeyes fell; so I made sure I made time tonight. So, here I am.
The New Year--2003--dawned inauspiciously; after an average half-day at work December 31. Lynn and I shared some time at the end of the day; she seemed much happier than she'd been 24 hours earlier. Good, I think; she and Matt are on better terms, after he took their daughter out for her birthday, curbing the ill will over the changed plans. Lynn still seemed subdued though, as if she was afraid to get too happy, too relaxed, with the positive note. Which just reinforced my notion that her reason for getting together still existed; and I'd be watching. Still, I didn't want to pressure her--and perhaps lose her confidence. So, I just wished her Happy New Year--complete with a full hug, of course--and a reminder that she could call ANYTIME if she needed anything. Then, that night, Tim, the kids and I rang in 2003 as usual; at our best friends' annual New Year's party. Thinking back, to when I'd stood there a year ago, who could've thought what lay ahead in 2002? A roller coaster ride of awakening and confusion and happiness all rolled into one, riding on a tidal wave of emotions. And the saga had rolled into 2003--with my Buckeyes set to play for the national title, and my Lynn still close. I had survived the rollercoaster so far, knock wood. Having Tim & my pal, Bobbie, had helped, too.
Friday, January 3, Lynn seemed to backtrack, was even more subdued than before. It was a curious mix--she was curt with me, yet opening up to me about her feelings that day. Not one to speak openly about emotional stuff, she told me she felt there was so much going on, she wasn't sure how much more she could take. That it was 2 steps forward, one step back. And curiously, she hadn't mentioned 'Jack' once; the family friend who'd helped her with this difficult time, and who, she'd confided gleefully, seemed to 'like' her now. I didn't like the tone of her voice, nor this puzzling scene. I said point blank, 'hey, whoah, don't be talking like that.' She looked up then, made eye contact, and said with a half-smile, 'oh, don't worry, I'd never do anything like that.'
But I didn't just shrug it off. I had invited her over that night, for the Buckeyes' title game; she wasn't sure. So I reminded her--prodding a bit; for I thought, right then, there was more reason to see her that night than just enjoying a game--and her presence. Lynn said she'd meant to tell me, her daughter's birthday slumber party was that night, and she'd be supervising. She said to call the next day, since she wouldn't have a chance to watch the game; and tell her about it. Of course, I would. I would anyway. She had never sounded that down with me--or anyone. I thought, I might just go over there, if it wasn't too snowy. I knew she loved her kids, and so gave her benefit of doubt--but I would be checking the next day, for more than just the game. Hugging goodbye, we held each other close. I reminded her, again, if she needed anything, I was always there. She said she knew that, and managed a slight smile. 'Go Bucks', we say.
She was on my thoughts that evening, even as Tim and I watched the big game. Shortly after 1 AM on January 4, the Buckeyes were crowned national champions; with an overtime win over Miami. I was both emotionally charged and drained at the same time (4 hour game!). My first urge, though, was to rush to the phone and tell her---yet, I held back. Reason said that she and her kids would likely be asleep at that time; also, I felt that the positive vibes of that night had carried over to her. The Bucks needed--and had gotten-- a few breaks to win their crown; a good omen. I couldn't wait for the dawn, so I could call her; or go over there. I felt sure God had watched her for me--as He knew my thoughts would be caught up with my team. But now, with the game over, she was foremost in my mind again.
I called midmorning, newspaper in hand. My heart beat fast--then sighed and leaped when she answered the phone. She sounded more up than yesterday--but then again, most anything was 'up' after that. I told her about the game, and she happily said she knew, that she'd seen the news. After dwelling on that a bit, to keep the positive tide rolling, I asked how she was doing. She said the party had been good, and she was feeling OK. She didn't need me to come over--her uncle was coming by shortly; he was doing an odd job for her. She said she appreciated my concern, that she hadn't meant to worry me like she did. But I just reminded her, again, that it was no bother ((none at all! (:)). I said I'd see her Monday--and again, to call if she needed anything. She said she would. I let a happy sigh of relief as I hung up the phone. My prayers had been answered. She had come up out of the ditch she was in, and sounded like she could 'deal' again. My heart sang. I happily enjoyed the news stories about the Bucks, feeling free to enjoy their championship-- now that Lynn was settled.
For now.
Looking back, I was tempted to think Lynn had hit her lowest point the day before--and so was on the way up. That it was holiday emotions intensifying her blues over the divorce, the robbery, and there was no big secret. But deep down, I knew better. I was glad that today seemed to be a 'good' day for Lynn, and accepted that at face value. But what about next week?
Like with the herald of 2002, I would find out.
That Wednesday.
( and you finally will, too)
Bi for now.
Teri B.
The New Year--2003--dawned inauspiciously; after an average half-day at work December 31. Lynn and I shared some time at the end of the day; she seemed much happier than she'd been 24 hours earlier. Good, I think; she and Matt are on better terms, after he took their daughter out for her birthday, curbing the ill will over the changed plans. Lynn still seemed subdued though, as if she was afraid to get too happy, too relaxed, with the positive note. Which just reinforced my notion that her reason for getting together still existed; and I'd be watching. Still, I didn't want to pressure her--and perhaps lose her confidence. So, I just wished her Happy New Year--complete with a full hug, of course--and a reminder that she could call ANYTIME if she needed anything. Then, that night, Tim, the kids and I rang in 2003 as usual; at our best friends' annual New Year's party. Thinking back, to when I'd stood there a year ago, who could've thought what lay ahead in 2002? A roller coaster ride of awakening and confusion and happiness all rolled into one, riding on a tidal wave of emotions. And the saga had rolled into 2003--with my Buckeyes set to play for the national title, and my Lynn still close. I had survived the rollercoaster so far, knock wood. Having Tim & my pal, Bobbie, had helped, too.
Friday, January 3, Lynn seemed to backtrack, was even more subdued than before. It was a curious mix--she was curt with me, yet opening up to me about her feelings that day. Not one to speak openly about emotional stuff, she told me she felt there was so much going on, she wasn't sure how much more she could take. That it was 2 steps forward, one step back. And curiously, she hadn't mentioned 'Jack' once; the family friend who'd helped her with this difficult time, and who, she'd confided gleefully, seemed to 'like' her now. I didn't like the tone of her voice, nor this puzzling scene. I said point blank, 'hey, whoah, don't be talking like that.' She looked up then, made eye contact, and said with a half-smile, 'oh, don't worry, I'd never do anything like that.'
But I didn't just shrug it off. I had invited her over that night, for the Buckeyes' title game; she wasn't sure. So I reminded her--prodding a bit; for I thought, right then, there was more reason to see her that night than just enjoying a game--and her presence. Lynn said she'd meant to tell me, her daughter's birthday slumber party was that night, and she'd be supervising. She said to call the next day, since she wouldn't have a chance to watch the game; and tell her about it. Of course, I would. I would anyway. She had never sounded that down with me--or anyone. I thought, I might just go over there, if it wasn't too snowy. I knew she loved her kids, and so gave her benefit of doubt--but I would be checking the next day, for more than just the game. Hugging goodbye, we held each other close. I reminded her, again, if she needed anything, I was always there. She said she knew that, and managed a slight smile. 'Go Bucks', we say.
She was on my thoughts that evening, even as Tim and I watched the big game. Shortly after 1 AM on January 4, the Buckeyes were crowned national champions; with an overtime win over Miami. I was both emotionally charged and drained at the same time (4 hour game!). My first urge, though, was to rush to the phone and tell her---yet, I held back. Reason said that she and her kids would likely be asleep at that time; also, I felt that the positive vibes of that night had carried over to her. The Bucks needed--and had gotten-- a few breaks to win their crown; a good omen. I couldn't wait for the dawn, so I could call her; or go over there. I felt sure God had watched her for me--as He knew my thoughts would be caught up with my team. But now, with the game over, she was foremost in my mind again.
I called midmorning, newspaper in hand. My heart beat fast--then sighed and leaped when she answered the phone. She sounded more up than yesterday--but then again, most anything was 'up' after that. I told her about the game, and she happily said she knew, that she'd seen the news. After dwelling on that a bit, to keep the positive tide rolling, I asked how she was doing. She said the party had been good, and she was feeling OK. She didn't need me to come over--her uncle was coming by shortly; he was doing an odd job for her. She said she appreciated my concern, that she hadn't meant to worry me like she did. But I just reminded her, again, that it was no bother ((none at all! (:)). I said I'd see her Monday--and again, to call if she needed anything. She said she would. I let a happy sigh of relief as I hung up the phone. My prayers had been answered. She had come up out of the ditch she was in, and sounded like she could 'deal' again. My heart sang. I happily enjoyed the news stories about the Bucks, feeling free to enjoy their championship-- now that Lynn was settled.
For now.
Looking back, I was tempted to think Lynn had hit her lowest point the day before--and so was on the way up. That it was holiday emotions intensifying her blues over the divorce, the robbery, and there was no big secret. But deep down, I knew better. I was glad that today seemed to be a 'good' day for Lynn, and accepted that at face value. But what about next week?
Like with the herald of 2002, I would find out.
That Wednesday.
( and you finally will, too)
Bi for now.
Teri B.
Toward 2003--first, December 30
Posted on 08/10 22:48
Hi there. Again, I didn't mean to be away so long. Soccer, volleyball, volunteering...the time just goes by. But I shall continue now. The saga of 2002 was about to turn into 2003--and the answer will come for you, about the unspoken breach; as it did for me. December 30, 2002 was a paradox: it yielded more questions, while at the same time, answered one question for sure: Lynn was keeping something from me; which involved more than busy-Monday frustration.
Lynn didn't show up for work again December 30 ( Monday). My heart, as it did so commonly, fell to my feet, and I literally dragged myself through the day--til a point where I decided I HAD to call her. I just couldn't wait til I got home. She was still at her mom's house with her middle daughter, 'Annie.' ( Sam was with her folks, her youngest, Kris, was with Dad) Annie awoke with a fever, so she hadn't gone to school. Lynn had sat up with her most of the day, and she sounded tired. Having to mind her mom's 4 dogs--whom she normally liked--didn't help. I felt a 'jump' inside when she told me she'd likely be back the next day--then a double one, when she asked if I was doing anything that night; and did I want to go out for supper! (: (: I, of course, said yes--and suggested that we go to the Arby's we'd gone to in November. Lynn agreed readily--she had to meet Matt and pick up Kris, and Arby's was near his home.
I told Tim about meeting Lynn, and that he could just fix supper for the kids at the usual time. I was meeting her at 6:30P. I had never tried so hard to get somewhere on time, as I did when I was with her. It felt good, driving into the Arby's lot under a dark, streetlight-lit sky, at 6:28. I recognized Lynn's car as I pulled up, right next to hers. I also recognized 2 other people besides Lynn: Annie and Joyce. Lynn had said we'd be meeting alone, before picking up Kris. I saw her then, and she did not look happy. I greeted Joyce & Annie, then gave Lynn our usual greeting hug. She barely returned it. It was such a marked contrast to the eagerness she' shown on the phone that I didn't know what to say--and didn't think I should say anything in front of Joyce, anyway. Annie was all grins as she grabbed my hand to walk in--I didn't mind, I love kids. Lynn hung back, with Joyce.
Once inside, I treated the group to supper, waving off Lynn's protest before she could even start. We sat down, then I learned the reason for Lynn's changed mood. Matt had called, and was coming back sooner than expected--and now wanted her to meet him at the airport, miles away, instead of at his nearby home. Being dark, and icy, Lynn didn't want to go alone. So she'd asked Joyce & Annie (meant to stay home) to join us for supper--as she'd have to go to the airport shortly after. Well, that answered things--on 2 counts. First, Matt's puzzling change had disrupted her evening; second, I realized she'd wanted to talk to me ALONE, that this supper was meant to share something with me. Secret, for sure. A secret that now had to wait. Hoping to pick up the mood ( Joyce, too, was irritated with Matt), I got out the Christmas party pictures Tim developed. Fortunately, all 3 were interested, and comments lasted til meal's end. Lynn, though, still seemed a bit distracted--then got annoyed as she saw her car was near empty, didn't have enough gas for the airport trip, and she had no cash! Embarrassed, she averted her eyes as she turned to me and mumbled, 'Teri, I hate to ask you this, but could you...?' Of course, I agreed to help her. I jumped, literally.
In a twist of events, we wound up at my house, getting my new credit card (as I'd taken the expired one by mistake!), and Tim put a gas container in the car, to hold us til we got to a station. We now had to go back to Arby's and get her car; then I'd have to go with her for gas, so she could use my card. She'd then be rushing to meet Matt on time. I figured she'd be hopping mad by now. Instead, she grinned at me as I settled in the seat. When Tim commented on 'not being out too late', Lynn cracked 'She might not come back'; then winked at me and laughed. I laughed too, not sure what she meant; but still glad she could smile that night. The trip back was uneventful, and we went to the gas station on South High, just a mile from Arby's. Lynn made eye contact, and seemed more settled. As she got in her car, she motioned for me to get my card. At the driver's side, she asked if it was OK if she called me after getting Kris. I, of course, said sure--then leaned in to hug her. She felt so warm and good--and hugged me back this time. I then hopped in my car and rushed home. I had plenty of time--over an hour. Still, I was taking no chances!!
Sure enough, she called just after 8:30 (8:37, I remember). She seemed more settled. Kris was with her, and her meeting with Matt went better than expected. He'd even asked to spend the next day with Annie, a father-daughter day, as it was her 9th birthday. That really touched Lynn, that he did that--as Matt was actually her stepdad, and wouldn't even be that after the divorce. Yet, he still considered her his own, as he'd been there since she was 2. A night of tension was resolved, and Lynn seemed relieved in thinking they could, actually, remain friends. She also apologized for her mood, linking it to the night's twist. I was just grinning from ear to ear throughout our talk, so glad to hear the self I had fallen for. She thanked me again for my help, then said she'd see me tomorrow. I hung up, relieved myself to hear the upswing. Yet, I remembered that she had called this 'meeting' for a reason; and unless I had missed something, that reason still existed. I would not pry. But I would not miss another chance to talk.
As always--Bi for now! See you soon.
Teri M.
Lynn didn't show up for work again December 30 ( Monday). My heart, as it did so commonly, fell to my feet, and I literally dragged myself through the day--til a point where I decided I HAD to call her. I just couldn't wait til I got home. She was still at her mom's house with her middle daughter, 'Annie.' ( Sam was with her folks, her youngest, Kris, was with Dad) Annie awoke with a fever, so she hadn't gone to school. Lynn had sat up with her most of the day, and she sounded tired. Having to mind her mom's 4 dogs--whom she normally liked--didn't help. I felt a 'jump' inside when she told me she'd likely be back the next day--then a double one, when she asked if I was doing anything that night; and did I want to go out for supper! (: (: I, of course, said yes--and suggested that we go to the Arby's we'd gone to in November. Lynn agreed readily--she had to meet Matt and pick up Kris, and Arby's was near his home.
I told Tim about meeting Lynn, and that he could just fix supper for the kids at the usual time. I was meeting her at 6:30P. I had never tried so hard to get somewhere on time, as I did when I was with her. It felt good, driving into the Arby's lot under a dark, streetlight-lit sky, at 6:28. I recognized Lynn's car as I pulled up, right next to hers. I also recognized 2 other people besides Lynn: Annie and Joyce. Lynn had said we'd be meeting alone, before picking up Kris. I saw her then, and she did not look happy. I greeted Joyce & Annie, then gave Lynn our usual greeting hug. She barely returned it. It was such a marked contrast to the eagerness she' shown on the phone that I didn't know what to say--and didn't think I should say anything in front of Joyce, anyway. Annie was all grins as she grabbed my hand to walk in--I didn't mind, I love kids. Lynn hung back, with Joyce.
Once inside, I treated the group to supper, waving off Lynn's protest before she could even start. We sat down, then I learned the reason for Lynn's changed mood. Matt had called, and was coming back sooner than expected--and now wanted her to meet him at the airport, miles away, instead of at his nearby home. Being dark, and icy, Lynn didn't want to go alone. So she'd asked Joyce & Annie (meant to stay home) to join us for supper--as she'd have to go to the airport shortly after. Well, that answered things--on 2 counts. First, Matt's puzzling change had disrupted her evening; second, I realized she'd wanted to talk to me ALONE, that this supper was meant to share something with me. Secret, for sure. A secret that now had to wait. Hoping to pick up the mood ( Joyce, too, was irritated with Matt), I got out the Christmas party pictures Tim developed. Fortunately, all 3 were interested, and comments lasted til meal's end. Lynn, though, still seemed a bit distracted--then got annoyed as she saw her car was near empty, didn't have enough gas for the airport trip, and she had no cash! Embarrassed, she averted her eyes as she turned to me and mumbled, 'Teri, I hate to ask you this, but could you...?' Of course, I agreed to help her. I jumped, literally.
In a twist of events, we wound up at my house, getting my new credit card (as I'd taken the expired one by mistake!), and Tim put a gas container in the car, to hold us til we got to a station. We now had to go back to Arby's and get her car; then I'd have to go with her for gas, so she could use my card. She'd then be rushing to meet Matt on time. I figured she'd be hopping mad by now. Instead, she grinned at me as I settled in the seat. When Tim commented on 'not being out too late', Lynn cracked 'She might not come back'; then winked at me and laughed. I laughed too, not sure what she meant; but still glad she could smile that night. The trip back was uneventful, and we went to the gas station on South High, just a mile from Arby's. Lynn made eye contact, and seemed more settled. As she got in her car, she motioned for me to get my card. At the driver's side, she asked if it was OK if she called me after getting Kris. I, of course, said sure--then leaned in to hug her. She felt so warm and good--and hugged me back this time. I then hopped in my car and rushed home. I had plenty of time--over an hour. Still, I was taking no chances!!
Sure enough, she called just after 8:30 (8:37, I remember). She seemed more settled. Kris was with her, and her meeting with Matt went better than expected. He'd even asked to spend the next day with Annie, a father-daughter day, as it was her 9th birthday. That really touched Lynn, that he did that--as Matt was actually her stepdad, and wouldn't even be that after the divorce. Yet, he still considered her his own, as he'd been there since she was 2. A night of tension was resolved, and Lynn seemed relieved in thinking they could, actually, remain friends. She also apologized for her mood, linking it to the night's twist. I was just grinning from ear to ear throughout our talk, so glad to hear the self I had fallen for. She thanked me again for my help, then said she'd see me tomorrow. I hung up, relieved myself to hear the upswing. Yet, I remembered that she had called this 'meeting' for a reason; and unless I had missed something, that reason still existed. I would not pry. But I would not miss another chance to talk.
As always--Bi for now! See you soon.
Teri M.
Christmas Week...like night & day (part 2)
Posted on 18/09 00:50
Hi. Back again, as promised. It's sooner than usual-- per special request, I'm rounding up Christmas Week tonight. (: Then, the year turns over, 2003--with a few twists to come forth. So much emotion I felt then; I didn't truly realize til I put pen to online paper. Well, here comes more, hope you like.
And the evening and the morning brought Thursday, the 26th. Tim returned to work, as did I. I couldn't wait to get my kids up at the usual 9 AM, and off to Kinder-Care. Much as I'd enjoyed my favorite holiday, I was enjoying the prospect of seeing Lynn more. I didn't linger in wishing my kids a nice day this time. I rushed off to work. I walked in, my stomach whirling a bit. But, just as fast as I got the anticipation, I got deflated: Lynn had called off. She wasn't there! Her aunt Joyce told me her oldest, Sam, fell sick Christmas night; and Lynn was with her, that she'd been up all night with her. I asked how Sam was feeling now. Joyce said Lynn would likely be off the next day too (Friday), to make sure she was OK. I literally felt my stomach drop. Yeah, of course Lynn was doing right, but still... could I wait til Monday to see her? Another 4 days???
But much as I yearned to see her, to see that she was past the 3-day funk, I knew I had no choice. So, I did the next-best thing: talked with Joyce about her. Joyce told me things Lynn hadn't--which, in themselves, gave me reassurance. Joyce told me Lynn had said I was a godsend to her, that she knew how much I'd helped her. Joyce then told me something that seemed to explain part of Lynn's sudden coolness: that Lynn wasn't one to get close with women. That was why, when I came along, Joyce took notice--the way we were together, it was so unusual for Lynn. She had seemed to perk up with me, too--saying she trusted me 100%; this from someone who didn't trust easily. Just to hear this again, I asked Joyce to clarify what she'd just said; and she said much the same--how I'd been a godsend for Lynn, and she knew it. That perked me up--though Lynn wasn't there, it was like her telling me how she felt about us, though she couldn't show it. That didn't explain her drop in energy--but just knowing it likely wasn't about us, made me relieved. Still, I was concerned--what was on her mind, then?
Joyce then looked up at me, with a slight smile. She told me Lynn had taken Sam over to her grandma's house for the day--and she likely would still be there later. (: My mind raced. Here was my chance to see her, reassure myself about her. And, help her too. I figured that, having been up all night and part of today, she was likely famished. So, I swore Joyce to secrecy (should Lynn call her), and said I was stopping by Donato's on my way home--to pick up something for her. I knew where her grandma lived, I'd taken paycheck $$ to her there after she was robbed. After telling Tim my plans, I stopped at the Donatos 2 blocks from work, and got her a meal. Unfortunately for me, I automatically went to her apartment house, out of habit. I kicked myself, remembering she was likely at her grandma's--and hoped to get there before she left. Didn't want to pass her on the way, and not know it! So I flew up South High, and five minutes later, pulled up to her grandma's. Her uncle answered, and after asking for her, I was let in. Lynn was sitting at the kitchen table. When she looked up and saw me, she grinned. "I figured you'd come here," she chuckled. She then admitted Joyce had spilled the beans about me wanting to get her supper. But that was OK. Just seeing her smile made me happy. Seeing the food then, she commented it must have cost an arm and a leg. I just said, a couple of fingers. I could still drive. (:
I sat and enjoyed the feeling of being so close to her, wearing the alluring cream-colored sweater that made her look so delicate. She ate the food like she hadn't eaten in days, while trying to make small talk with me and her grandma. Her grandma set about feeding me, then; ordering her son (the uncle) to get me some meat, cake and something to drink. Figuring that meant I was having supper there, I called Tim to tell him to go ahead with supper; that I was with Lynn. Tim understood, and just said to be careful coming home. Amidst that talk, I heard Lynn comment to Grandma--'Is this a true friend or what?' Her grandma shook her head and said she sure didn't have friends like me. I kept a steady face while finishing with Tim--but my heart jumped inside. Selfishly, I had some assurance that her 'change' was not about me.
On the heels of that, came the realization she still hadn't talked about any difficulty. If we'd been alone, I would have broached it--but I didn't want to cause any scene in front of her family. At that time, her daughter Sam awoke just as Lynn's mom & stepdad arrived. They were to take Sam, who was feeling better, with them on a trip. Lynn would, indeed, still be taking the next day off; as she was exhausted. Through my disappointment, I pepped up when she asked me if I could try and split her time off between 2 checks, instead of one; so she wouldn't have as much taken out. I loved the chance to help her, and agreed. She then said she had to get her other 2 daughters, and go housesit for her mom. So I knew it was my time to go. I lingered, of course, I was going to get my hug! I held her close, for as many moments as I could. Though I was to call her the next day, I knew I wouldn't actually see her again for 4 days! I had to have that feeling as long as possible. She walked me to the door, and smiled as she said bye. But it was there again--that look in her eyes that said 'somewhere else.' Calling her from work the next day, I got the same feeling. It was great to hear her voice, but the call was far too short for my taste. After we hung up, I felt the silence--and the 72 hours that stood between me and seeing her again. And, what if her other kids got sick? I had to grit my teeth, and remind myself not to be selfish--if she had to be with a sick kid, that was right to do. Plus, she had to tend her mom's 4 dogs, as well as the house.
Though the day dragged without her, I did like being her mouthpiece. Her fileroom cohorts asked me about her, her kids, and when she'd be back. Likewise, did our supervisor. I loved being the one she turned to: to tell our cohorts Sam was better, and that yes, she'd be coming back Monday; plus adjusting her time cards. Still, as I drove home from work, and folded clothes Saturday morning, I got that feeling she was covering something; something which effectively dragged her down just hours after the party. She wasn't letting it color things with us at the moment--but that was no relief right now. So, I wrapped up Christmas Week much the same as I started it: an alternating wave of happiness and worry. This time, at least, was different. She was relating to me again, and sharing hugs and kind comments. Plus, I'd had that 'pep talk' with Joyce. So, I felt surer of my place in her heart again, and that we'd be sharing soon.
Back again real soon!
Bi for now.
Teri M.
And the evening and the morning brought Thursday, the 26th. Tim returned to work, as did I. I couldn't wait to get my kids up at the usual 9 AM, and off to Kinder-Care. Much as I'd enjoyed my favorite holiday, I was enjoying the prospect of seeing Lynn more. I didn't linger in wishing my kids a nice day this time. I rushed off to work. I walked in, my stomach whirling a bit. But, just as fast as I got the anticipation, I got deflated: Lynn had called off. She wasn't there! Her aunt Joyce told me her oldest, Sam, fell sick Christmas night; and Lynn was with her, that she'd been up all night with her. I asked how Sam was feeling now. Joyce said Lynn would likely be off the next day too (Friday), to make sure she was OK. I literally felt my stomach drop. Yeah, of course Lynn was doing right, but still... could I wait til Monday to see her? Another 4 days???
But much as I yearned to see her, to see that she was past the 3-day funk, I knew I had no choice. So, I did the next-best thing: talked with Joyce about her. Joyce told me things Lynn hadn't--which, in themselves, gave me reassurance. Joyce told me Lynn had said I was a godsend to her, that she knew how much I'd helped her. Joyce then told me something that seemed to explain part of Lynn's sudden coolness: that Lynn wasn't one to get close with women. That was why, when I came along, Joyce took notice--the way we were together, it was so unusual for Lynn. She had seemed to perk up with me, too--saying she trusted me 100%; this from someone who didn't trust easily. Just to hear this again, I asked Joyce to clarify what she'd just said; and she said much the same--how I'd been a godsend for Lynn, and she knew it. That perked me up--though Lynn wasn't there, it was like her telling me how she felt about us, though she couldn't show it. That didn't explain her drop in energy--but just knowing it likely wasn't about us, made me relieved. Still, I was concerned--what was on her mind, then?
Joyce then looked up at me, with a slight smile. She told me Lynn had taken Sam over to her grandma's house for the day--and she likely would still be there later. (: My mind raced. Here was my chance to see her, reassure myself about her. And, help her too. I figured that, having been up all night and part of today, she was likely famished. So, I swore Joyce to secrecy (should Lynn call her), and said I was stopping by Donato's on my way home--to pick up something for her. I knew where her grandma lived, I'd taken paycheck $$ to her there after she was robbed. After telling Tim my plans, I stopped at the Donatos 2 blocks from work, and got her a meal. Unfortunately for me, I automatically went to her apartment house, out of habit. I kicked myself, remembering she was likely at her grandma's--and hoped to get there before she left. Didn't want to pass her on the way, and not know it! So I flew up South High, and five minutes later, pulled up to her grandma's. Her uncle answered, and after asking for her, I was let in. Lynn was sitting at the kitchen table. When she looked up and saw me, she grinned. "I figured you'd come here," she chuckled. She then admitted Joyce had spilled the beans about me wanting to get her supper. But that was OK. Just seeing her smile made me happy. Seeing the food then, she commented it must have cost an arm and a leg. I just said, a couple of fingers. I could still drive. (:
I sat and enjoyed the feeling of being so close to her, wearing the alluring cream-colored sweater that made her look so delicate. She ate the food like she hadn't eaten in days, while trying to make small talk with me and her grandma. Her grandma set about feeding me, then; ordering her son (the uncle) to get me some meat, cake and something to drink. Figuring that meant I was having supper there, I called Tim to tell him to go ahead with supper; that I was with Lynn. Tim understood, and just said to be careful coming home. Amidst that talk, I heard Lynn comment to Grandma--'Is this a true friend or what?' Her grandma shook her head and said she sure didn't have friends like me. I kept a steady face while finishing with Tim--but my heart jumped inside. Selfishly, I had some assurance that her 'change' was not about me.
On the heels of that, came the realization she still hadn't talked about any difficulty. If we'd been alone, I would have broached it--but I didn't want to cause any scene in front of her family. At that time, her daughter Sam awoke just as Lynn's mom & stepdad arrived. They were to take Sam, who was feeling better, with them on a trip. Lynn would, indeed, still be taking the next day off; as she was exhausted. Through my disappointment, I pepped up when she asked me if I could try and split her time off between 2 checks, instead of one; so she wouldn't have as much taken out. I loved the chance to help her, and agreed. She then said she had to get her other 2 daughters, and go housesit for her mom. So I knew it was my time to go. I lingered, of course, I was going to get my hug! I held her close, for as many moments as I could. Though I was to call her the next day, I knew I wouldn't actually see her again for 4 days! I had to have that feeling as long as possible. She walked me to the door, and smiled as she said bye. But it was there again--that look in her eyes that said 'somewhere else.' Calling her from work the next day, I got the same feeling. It was great to hear her voice, but the call was far too short for my taste. After we hung up, I felt the silence--and the 72 hours that stood between me and seeing her again. And, what if her other kids got sick? I had to grit my teeth, and remind myself not to be selfish--if she had to be with a sick kid, that was right to do. Plus, she had to tend her mom's 4 dogs, as well as the house.
Though the day dragged without her, I did like being her mouthpiece. Her fileroom cohorts asked me about her, her kids, and when she'd be back. Likewise, did our supervisor. I loved being the one she turned to: to tell our cohorts Sam was better, and that yes, she'd be coming back Monday; plus adjusting her time cards. Still, as I drove home from work, and folded clothes Saturday morning, I got that feeling she was covering something; something which effectively dragged her down just hours after the party. She wasn't letting it color things with us at the moment--but that was no relief right now. So, I wrapped up Christmas Week much the same as I started it: an alternating wave of happiness and worry. This time, at least, was different. She was relating to me again, and sharing hugs and kind comments. Plus, I'd had that 'pep talk' with Joyce. So, I felt surer of my place in her heart again, and that we'd be sharing soon.
Back again real soon!
Bi for now.
Teri M.
Christmas Week... like night & day (part 1)
Posted on 17/09 00:49
Hi, folks. Back again, after almost a month. My kids are back in school, and we've been going back & forth with volleyball, piano & now soccer. My tenure on Dignity's Board of Directors also ends this month, so I'm trying to wrap up my unfinished projects. One such project is right here--my continuing story. I've said it before, but I truly intend to follow thru now: it won't be so long between takes!
I did call Lynn that Sunday, the 22nd, eager for our usual talk. Lynn, though, was not the usual--she was somewhat clipped with me upon answering, and said Jack, a family friend who'd come into town, was there; so she couldn't talk. Remembering she said he might stop by that weekend, I felt sheepish and apologized. Lynn said it was ok, and added she was sorry for snapping at me--but she didn't want to be rude to her company. She said she'd see me at work. I said OK, and we signed off. It was just a phone call, and she couldn't talk because of company--but still, not getting to talk with her, having to wait til the next day..it bummed the rest of my night. I went to bed earlier than usual, so the night would pass and it would be Monday and I'd see her.
It seemed just like a normal Monday, and we talked, also, about the party. It had been fun, and our boss had some pictures; as did I. He commented that he'd like Tim's pic of Lynn and me put in the lobby, after I got it developed; and maybe put it in a frame with 'best friends' on it. I liked the idea, of course; Lynn just chuckled and rolled her eyes. Later, though, talking more about the party, Lynn didn't seem so chipper. She made a couple negative comments about that night, and then didn't want to talk when the other 2 left and we were alone. The next day, Christmas Eve day, was more of the same. I went in early, 8:30, since we were getting off early and I wanted to get some hours in. Tim had given me my Christmas present already--a new dresser, which was waiting when I woke up. I, of course, looked for Lynn right when I got there, bypassing my own office in search of her. I had to tell her about the surprise. She was sorting through old files when I found her, and smiled pleasantly when I told her about Tim's gift. But she barely looked at me. She commented that she had to get these files done before Christmas, and couldn't talk right then. She was right, I knew--I had a number of files to process, left over from the day before; as I had been distracted by Lynn's odd curtness and could not concentrate. Still, it was not like her to be like that with me. Was I being overly sensitive, cause of my feelings for her, or was there more? I decided the former. It was Christmas-- the first one without her hubby in 8 years; as they were divorcing. Of course, I chided myself, she might be a bit distracted. Maybe her 'party high' had worn off and she was back to daily things. I made up my mind to give her a tight hug and gushy Merry Christmas when we left that day--just as a bit of pep.
I did do just that, lingering enough to walk out with her & the other 2 clerks, then ensuring we were the last 2 in the parking lot. It felt good to hold her; I just wanted to hold on, reassure her it could be a nice Christmas still. I recited a verse I had memorized, hoping to say to her. She chuckled at that, and gave a smile--but, as before, it seemed forced and polite. She wished me Merry Christmas in much the same tone. Remembering what I'd thought earlier, that this funk was likely her personal reality hitting home, I tried not to take it personally. It was hard, as she was on my mind while I packed for the annual Christmas trek to my folks' house and Tim's folks', then while we opened presents at both homes. Even as Tim & I sat near the pretty, brightly lit tree at my folks, near midnight, I could not focus; on him or the gifts. My mind was on Lynn-- how I wished I was in her arms, under that mistletoe; and what I could do to snap her 'out of it.' Christmas had always been my favorite holiday--I loved the bustle and shopping and cookies that came in the weeks before, as much as the night itself. And I was looking forward to the next day, Christmas Day, and seeing my cousins, aunts & uncles. Still, part of me wished it would go fast, and it would be December 26--back to work, and my young blonde.
Thus it was, thru that Christmas Day. A time I thought would bubble over double--as I now had both Lynn and my family, plus a great job, in my life; and at my favorite time of year. But Lynn's sudden holiday 'down' had instead taken a bite out of it--likely for her, too. The Christmas Eve well wishes had not gone nearly as planned, and thoughts of her brought wrinkled brows more than foolish, giddy grins. We did have fun with our families, and I forgot my concerns for a brief spell. But even then, I both wished for Christmas Day to last a bit longer--for family time, while wishing it would go faster--for Lynn-time. Thinking of Lynn won out, as often happens with crushes. She was the one in my thoughts as we went to bed Christmas night.
Well, the 26th-- and toward 2003-- to come.
Bi for now.
Teri M.
I did call Lynn that Sunday, the 22nd, eager for our usual talk. Lynn, though, was not the usual--she was somewhat clipped with me upon answering, and said Jack, a family friend who'd come into town, was there; so she couldn't talk. Remembering she said he might stop by that weekend, I felt sheepish and apologized. Lynn said it was ok, and added she was sorry for snapping at me--but she didn't want to be rude to her company. She said she'd see me at work. I said OK, and we signed off. It was just a phone call, and she couldn't talk because of company--but still, not getting to talk with her, having to wait til the next day..it bummed the rest of my night. I went to bed earlier than usual, so the night would pass and it would be Monday and I'd see her.
It seemed just like a normal Monday, and we talked, also, about the party. It had been fun, and our boss had some pictures; as did I. He commented that he'd like Tim's pic of Lynn and me put in the lobby, after I got it developed; and maybe put it in a frame with 'best friends' on it. I liked the idea, of course; Lynn just chuckled and rolled her eyes. Later, though, talking more about the party, Lynn didn't seem so chipper. She made a couple negative comments about that night, and then didn't want to talk when the other 2 left and we were alone. The next day, Christmas Eve day, was more of the same. I went in early, 8:30, since we were getting off early and I wanted to get some hours in. Tim had given me my Christmas present already--a new dresser, which was waiting when I woke up. I, of course, looked for Lynn right when I got there, bypassing my own office in search of her. I had to tell her about the surprise. She was sorting through old files when I found her, and smiled pleasantly when I told her about Tim's gift. But she barely looked at me. She commented that she had to get these files done before Christmas, and couldn't talk right then. She was right, I knew--I had a number of files to process, left over from the day before; as I had been distracted by Lynn's odd curtness and could not concentrate. Still, it was not like her to be like that with me. Was I being overly sensitive, cause of my feelings for her, or was there more? I decided the former. It was Christmas-- the first one without her hubby in 8 years; as they were divorcing. Of course, I chided myself, she might be a bit distracted. Maybe her 'party high' had worn off and she was back to daily things. I made up my mind to give her a tight hug and gushy Merry Christmas when we left that day--just as a bit of pep.
I did do just that, lingering enough to walk out with her & the other 2 clerks, then ensuring we were the last 2 in the parking lot. It felt good to hold her; I just wanted to hold on, reassure her it could be a nice Christmas still. I recited a verse I had memorized, hoping to say to her. She chuckled at that, and gave a smile--but, as before, it seemed forced and polite. She wished me Merry Christmas in much the same tone. Remembering what I'd thought earlier, that this funk was likely her personal reality hitting home, I tried not to take it personally. It was hard, as she was on my mind while I packed for the annual Christmas trek to my folks' house and Tim's folks', then while we opened presents at both homes. Even as Tim & I sat near the pretty, brightly lit tree at my folks, near midnight, I could not focus; on him or the gifts. My mind was on Lynn-- how I wished I was in her arms, under that mistletoe; and what I could do to snap her 'out of it.' Christmas had always been my favorite holiday--I loved the bustle and shopping and cookies that came in the weeks before, as much as the night itself. And I was looking forward to the next day, Christmas Day, and seeing my cousins, aunts & uncles. Still, part of me wished it would go fast, and it would be December 26--back to work, and my young blonde.
Thus it was, thru that Christmas Day. A time I thought would bubble over double--as I now had both Lynn and my family, plus a great job, in my life; and at my favorite time of year. But Lynn's sudden holiday 'down' had instead taken a bite out of it--likely for her, too. The Christmas Eve well wishes had not gone nearly as planned, and thoughts of her brought wrinkled brows more than foolish, giddy grins. We did have fun with our families, and I forgot my concerns for a brief spell. But even then, I both wished for Christmas Day to last a bit longer--for family time, while wishing it would go faster--for Lynn-time. Thinking of Lynn won out, as often happens with crushes. She was the one in my thoughts as we went to bed Christmas night.
Well, the 26th-- and toward 2003-- to come.
Bi for now.
Teri M.
Christmas Party
Posted on 19/08 01:13
Hi there. Here I resume, in Flowers-in-the-Attic style, my look into my past, with Lynn. I'm nowhere near VC Andrews' talent, but I sure know what I felt--another step toward a present which is preparing its swan song for us. The Holidays of 2002 were a deep, soul-bubbling experience; the company Christmas Party, a jewel in the ring.
Our party was December 20, a Friday--a Friday I had been yearning for with the same fervor of giving Lynn her Christmas gifts. We--me, herself, and her fileroom cohorts--talked about the party that afternoon at work. Yolanda & Elena (called Sandra & Helen in past posts), weren't going; but Lynn was, with her aunt, and another coworker. She told me she'd been out looking for an outfit. I sure hoped it was a dress; I eagerly anticipated seeing her look even more lovely in a gown that might just show off her legs, too. I couldn't wait. Especially after our talk wound into talk about dating pasts--and she said that my being on the 'fringe' in school, because of my conservative attitude toward sex, would be respected now. That people--herself included--might just wish they'd 'waited' longer too. Yet another compliment from this girl I was hopelessly drawn to. Tick-tock--7PM couldn't come fast enough for me.
Our party was at Greystone Winery; which produced a host of fine wines, and hosted company parties. Tim & I got there early, and before Lynn. We sat down and talked with 2 other cohorts--Ilene & Norma, & Ilene's husband. While being polite, and talking, my eyes kept wandering to the door; looking for the comrade I longed to see most. My vigilance was rewarded within 15 minutes; as I saw Lynn enter, with her aunt, Joyce, and our cohort Tina. She was eye-catching--in a scarlet sweater, trim black pants, and makeup that made her eyes snap. Her blond hair was brushed back in a wavy style, so I just wanted to run my hand through it. Tim caught me looking, and nudged me, saying 'Don't stare.' I kind of brushed him off ((nicely, (:)), and went to greet Lynn. I gave cursory 'hi-s' to my other coworkers, then focused on Lynn. She grinned, said 'Hi Teri', and gave me a big hug. It was so nice--the hug, and her initiating it. She also noticed I was wearing a dress--a most unusual occurrence--and said I looked really nice. I told her the same. But, of course, not that I'd partly worn the dress so she'd notice it!!
Tim & I asked if we could join Lynn, Joyce & Tina. A couple of others joined us then. We got into small talk--and glasses of wine-- as we awaited our meals. Lynn was sitting next to me, and looked just so-- I can't even describe it. She was there, beside me! She and Joyce kidded me about my lunchtime trip to the west side to pick up my family's holiday pics. See, I live near the west side--and Lynn was like, why did you go all the way across town to get them, when u could've picked them up on your way into work?? Sigh. Truly, I didn't even think of it. Lynn kept tapping my hand as she 'admonished' me, and it felt so good to have her attention all on me for a few minutes. She, Tim, & Joyce then playfully ganged up on me about being part-time; and thus having time to do extra things at home!! (: Tim said Lynn just might have to come over and give me lessons! I knew he was joking--half-joking, anyway!--but of course, I wouldn't have minded! Lynn had been to our house twice already--I could handle it, hee.
The meal was good, after we'd politely eaten salad which didn't taste so good with 'sweet' dressing. ( still recall that--ugh) Lynn & I went off together to get her something at the front counter, then the restroom. When we returned, Joyce & Tina needed to get something from their car, so Lynn went with them. Tim asked if I had 'enjoyed that'--I knew what he meant: being alone with Lynn. (: He then said Tina had said nice things about me--how helpful I was, especially to Lynn, and how generous. I wanted folks, especially Lynn, to think that of me. Though my main concern was Lynn's happiness & opinion, not what others thought, I couldn't help feeling some pride. Apparently, I was of some help to her!!
By that time, Lynn & Joyce had consumed 8 glasses of wine between them; and I had exceeded my 1-drink limit (1 1/2). I was feeling a tiny buzz, while they seemed unaffected! I remember joking more with them, but not what it was about--and Tim pretending he didn't know us that well! I also remember Andy, our boss's son and usually a reserved, stern lawyer, sitting at our table and cutting jokes. He was laughing and smiling, which, of course, caught people's attention. Even I pried my eyes from Lynn long enough to listen briefly. After he left to see others, we talked about the pleasant surprise that was. Lynn's laughter echoed around me, amidst the Christmas music. I kept checking my watch, hoping the time would go slow, that there'd be much more time to stay.
Tim, though, told me that we'd have to go in about 20 minutes. It was then that I fished out our camera, which I'd brought, in hopes... Lynn did agree to having a picture taken with me. Her only comment was 'I don't have to get up, do I?' (think the wine was starting to affect her then!) I laughed, said she was fine, then wrapped my arm about her shoulder; resting my head on hers. It felt so good, touching her, having my arm around her; she felt so warm. Plus I could smell the perfume she wore. I felt a whirling in my stomach too. This, this moment--was like a movie climax of a happy story. I knew I was likely grinning foolishly at the camera, but I didn't care. Tim took the picture; then several others of people at our table. The shot came out in spades. That night was the most relaxed, and cheerful, I had seen Lynn, ever; as she leaned into my arm and grinned at the camera. Seemed she had, at least briefly, put her worries (esp about impending divorce) on hold. And was actually looking forward to Christmas. She'd thanked Tim for the gift card--seeming so happy that she'd be able to get her kids gifts after all.
The party started breaking up around 9. Lynn was with Tina & Joyce. Before we walked out, I turned and faced her in front of the fireplace, where our table was. Reflexively, we both held out our arms, and hugged closely. We held each other a moment; as I milked the seconds of being in her arms. I told her I'd call her Sunday, as usual; she said she'd be there. She felt, and looked, so good; her cheery mood that night had made her all the more lovely. I hung back briefly, as she, Joyce & Tina talked with others; but Tim nudged me toward the front. He wanted to buy a bottle of the wine we'd had, and get going, before cars crowded up. I watched as Lynn & others hung by the front door, talking; while Tim got the wine. They were still there as we walked out. I turned to look at Lynn again as she left with her 2 companions. The night was biting, with snow blowing up at me as Tim & I walked to our car. But I barely felt it. All I could think about in that moment, even with my hubby beside me, was the hugs and cheer that Lynn and I had shared...
... Plus a fantasy of her car breaking down, needing my help to get to her apartment....then making love in the soft light of her bedroom. Her seducing ME!
Happy holidays!!
Bi for now.
Teri
Our party was December 20, a Friday--a Friday I had been yearning for with the same fervor of giving Lynn her Christmas gifts. We--me, herself, and her fileroom cohorts--talked about the party that afternoon at work. Yolanda & Elena (called Sandra & Helen in past posts), weren't going; but Lynn was, with her aunt, and another coworker. She told me she'd been out looking for an outfit. I sure hoped it was a dress; I eagerly anticipated seeing her look even more lovely in a gown that might just show off her legs, too. I couldn't wait. Especially after our talk wound into talk about dating pasts--and she said that my being on the 'fringe' in school, because of my conservative attitude toward sex, would be respected now. That people--herself included--might just wish they'd 'waited' longer too. Yet another compliment from this girl I was hopelessly drawn to. Tick-tock--7PM couldn't come fast enough for me.
Our party was at Greystone Winery; which produced a host of fine wines, and hosted company parties. Tim & I got there early, and before Lynn. We sat down and talked with 2 other cohorts--Ilene & Norma, & Ilene's husband. While being polite, and talking, my eyes kept wandering to the door; looking for the comrade I longed to see most. My vigilance was rewarded within 15 minutes; as I saw Lynn enter, with her aunt, Joyce, and our cohort Tina. She was eye-catching--in a scarlet sweater, trim black pants, and makeup that made her eyes snap. Her blond hair was brushed back in a wavy style, so I just wanted to run my hand through it. Tim caught me looking, and nudged me, saying 'Don't stare.' I kind of brushed him off ((nicely, (:)), and went to greet Lynn. I gave cursory 'hi-s' to my other coworkers, then focused on Lynn. She grinned, said 'Hi Teri', and gave me a big hug. It was so nice--the hug, and her initiating it. She also noticed I was wearing a dress--a most unusual occurrence--and said I looked really nice. I told her the same. But, of course, not that I'd partly worn the dress so she'd notice it!!
Tim & I asked if we could join Lynn, Joyce & Tina. A couple of others joined us then. We got into small talk--and glasses of wine-- as we awaited our meals. Lynn was sitting next to me, and looked just so-- I can't even describe it. She was there, beside me! She and Joyce kidded me about my lunchtime trip to the west side to pick up my family's holiday pics. See, I live near the west side--and Lynn was like, why did you go all the way across town to get them, when u could've picked them up on your way into work?? Sigh. Truly, I didn't even think of it. Lynn kept tapping my hand as she 'admonished' me, and it felt so good to have her attention all on me for a few minutes. She, Tim, & Joyce then playfully ganged up on me about being part-time; and thus having time to do extra things at home!! (: Tim said Lynn just might have to come over and give me lessons! I knew he was joking--half-joking, anyway!--but of course, I wouldn't have minded! Lynn had been to our house twice already--I could handle it, hee.
The meal was good, after we'd politely eaten salad which didn't taste so good with 'sweet' dressing. ( still recall that--ugh) Lynn & I went off together to get her something at the front counter, then the restroom. When we returned, Joyce & Tina needed to get something from their car, so Lynn went with them. Tim asked if I had 'enjoyed that'--I knew what he meant: being alone with Lynn. (: He then said Tina had said nice things about me--how helpful I was, especially to Lynn, and how generous. I wanted folks, especially Lynn, to think that of me. Though my main concern was Lynn's happiness & opinion, not what others thought, I couldn't help feeling some pride. Apparently, I was of some help to her!!
By that time, Lynn & Joyce had consumed 8 glasses of wine between them; and I had exceeded my 1-drink limit (1 1/2). I was feeling a tiny buzz, while they seemed unaffected! I remember joking more with them, but not what it was about--and Tim pretending he didn't know us that well! I also remember Andy, our boss's son and usually a reserved, stern lawyer, sitting at our table and cutting jokes. He was laughing and smiling, which, of course, caught people's attention. Even I pried my eyes from Lynn long enough to listen briefly. After he left to see others, we talked about the pleasant surprise that was. Lynn's laughter echoed around me, amidst the Christmas music. I kept checking my watch, hoping the time would go slow, that there'd be much more time to stay.
Tim, though, told me that we'd have to go in about 20 minutes. It was then that I fished out our camera, which I'd brought, in hopes... Lynn did agree to having a picture taken with me. Her only comment was 'I don't have to get up, do I?' (think the wine was starting to affect her then!) I laughed, said she was fine, then wrapped my arm about her shoulder; resting my head on hers. It felt so good, touching her, having my arm around her; she felt so warm. Plus I could smell the perfume she wore. I felt a whirling in my stomach too. This, this moment--was like a movie climax of a happy story. I knew I was likely grinning foolishly at the camera, but I didn't care. Tim took the picture; then several others of people at our table. The shot came out in spades. That night was the most relaxed, and cheerful, I had seen Lynn, ever; as she leaned into my arm and grinned at the camera. Seemed she had, at least briefly, put her worries (esp about impending divorce) on hold. And was actually looking forward to Christmas. She'd thanked Tim for the gift card--seeming so happy that she'd be able to get her kids gifts after all.
The party started breaking up around 9. Lynn was with Tina & Joyce. Before we walked out, I turned and faced her in front of the fireplace, where our table was. Reflexively, we both held out our arms, and hugged closely. We held each other a moment; as I milked the seconds of being in her arms. I told her I'd call her Sunday, as usual; she said she'd be there. She felt, and looked, so good; her cheery mood that night had made her all the more lovely. I hung back briefly, as she, Joyce & Tina talked with others; but Tim nudged me toward the front. He wanted to buy a bottle of the wine we'd had, and get going, before cars crowded up. I watched as Lynn & others hung by the front door, talking; while Tim got the wine. They were still there as we walked out. I turned to look at Lynn again as she left with her 2 companions. The night was biting, with snow blowing up at me as Tim & I walked to our car. But I barely felt it. All I could think about in that moment, even with my hubby beside me, was the hugs and cheer that Lynn and I had shared...
... Plus a fantasy of her car breaking down, needing my help to get to her apartment....then making love in the soft light of her bedroom. Her seducing ME!
Happy holidays!!
Bi for now.
Teri