There is constantly a battle within me, as I believe also in many, where the mind and flesh play tug-of-war with the spirit within me. Fighting for this person that I am and the life that I will or will not lead. Sometimes the battle lays dormant and all is quiet; all appears to be well. Then something happens to awaken the soldiers and the battle begins and causes confusion, pain, and heartache.
There's the side of me that is able to fight the good fight of faith; stand strong on what I believe to be true. The side of me that has this never ending desire to grow closer to my God and share with all who will listen the things that He teaches me through the guidance of His holy spirit; to take that which He teaches me and use it to spread the gospel and bring people to the Lord. The side of me whose goal is, at the end of the day, to hear those wonderful words from the Father that says "well done good and faithful servant." This side which studies the word, shares the word, and teaches the word with a pure heart. This side of me which has taken bad experiences and poor choices and learned from them. This side that strives to continue to be a better person.
Then, just as life appears to be going well, the other side of me is awakened by some tragedy or disappointment and the fight begins. The other side of me, the one I don't like comes walking in and begins her work; pulling at the rope as hard as she can. This is the one who is told that she is not good enough; that she is selfish and cares only about herself. This is the one who is reminded of past mistakes and hurts that she had caused. The one that feels she is no good to or for anyone. This is the one that is filled with anger and sometimes even rage. This is the one that allows this body to feel that ache in the heart that fills her being. This is the one that cries out and screams and just wants to crawl up in a little ball and just disappear. This battle comes and goes and sometimes, it feels like the worst side is getting stronger each time. My hopes begin to fall, my faith begins to crack and even though I know what I know about the Lord, even though my love and desire for Him is great, this pain, at times, feels greater. All I want is to just go.
I hate when this happens because I know better. Still, the battle continues and sometimes I just don't know what to do. I will never doubt that the Lord can and will always be there for me, I will never turn away from Him. This is what makes it all so very hard. It gives me such a headache; all the things that rush through my mind. God I just wish I could go home. My real home where non of this ever takes place.
I truly believe that the first side of me, the better side, will win in the end. At least that is what I am holding on to. Still, this battle within me gets more and more draining every time it occurs. And though I do know better, sometimes I do wonder which side will win.