After a hypothetical slap in the face, I have acquired a new sense of self and placement and have gained a second wind. With much thought, and encouragement/opinions from CG1, I have concluded, in the abridged version, "What was I thinking?!"

I was seriously going to call it quits and give up - POOF! - gone. I wish I could understand the idiosyncratic, over eccentric workings my little brain conceives. I began with prayer and ended with an analytical, poetical smirk.

I had another meeting yesterday with the dean of women, the president of the school, and the residential director of women, but this time with the Board of Directors looking on. All three took turns expressing how they thought it would be best if I transferred schools. I sat there in a swamp of shame, failure, and dysphoria, listening to dead, apathetic sound waves echoing around me. I felt like I had failed God, my family, and my girlfriend. If only these three knew what I was fighting with... And then it clicked. Even though I felt the cold dampness slumming down on me, my tiny brain started working again. Why have I been letting these people get to me? Why have I let myself fall so low in spirit, mind, and body?

The president asked me what I was thinking... how foolish. Most that know me would suggest that you never ask me what I am thinking. But he did, so I told him:
"Do you think it is 'christian' to look past the struggles of an individual for two and a half years and then one day decide they would 'excel' elsewhere? How do you know what is best for me when you don't even KNOW me and if you did, all this school knows how to do is pass judgement upon those who are, at the time, too weak to defend themselves? You talk about this 'christian' image we are to uphold, but it is never displayed by the leadership of this school AND when the students take it upon themselves to communicate with 'the lost', we are criticized and scolded. What sense does this make? Jesus spent his time with the sinners, the sick, the social outcasts. What are you, in your little bubble of bunnies and flowers, doing that mirrors the image and example of Christ?"

There was a long silence after this. The past few meetings I've had with these three was mainly them talking and me nodding. I was too exhausted to think or focus on the situation to retain anything that had been said long enough to realize what was happening, so my 20 second speech floored them.

Pres: "I'm not sure I understand what you are getting at."
Me: "It's not what I'm getting at, it's where this school is at."
DOW: "There is no need to get defensive. We understand this is a difficult time for you and we only wish to help...."
Me: "Help? Where is the help in wanting me to transfer to another school? Where do you get the idea you are helping me?"
DOW: "Your help is here, waiting for you to confess your sins and be reborn in HIS image of righteousness."
Me: "I confess my sins daily, and your subliminal hintings toward what you think my sin is couldn't be further from the truth."
Pres: "So you are denying that you are a homosexual?"
Me: "Denying it is beside the point I am making. If I were to confess my sins to God right now, repenting of homosexuality would NOT be one of them. It would be well of you to stop judging me and everyone else who sets your eye off. God loves me just the way I am, and when I enrolled in this school, I was under the impression that all christians love every individual unconditionally, just as God has loved them."
DOW: "We love the sinner but hate the sin."
Me: "Christians have bastardized that phrase. You can't tell me that you love me after the crap you have put me through this past month. I, like everyone else, have paid my dues and if you want me gone bad enough, I want every dime I put into this school refunded. I doubt that Jesus' message was anything close to what this school is portraying through its ignorance and fear. God embraced his people while they were sinners and rejoices when his children return home. As a christian college, one would think that you, above all, would want sinners here. This school is so full of false and misleading doctrine, and as the school statistics show, you lose over 70% of incoming freshmen after the first semester. Perhaps this is due to the pharisaic, sacrilegious, dogma this school forces down your throat opposed to the teachings of love and kindness toward one another as described by Jesus."
Pres: "Well, can you show us where in the bible we have gone wrong? Do you have any scripture references to back up your accusations?"
Me: "The power of a tyrant lies in the ignorant populace. Read not to argue or to debate, but to wait and consider."

I nodded to the Board of Directors with a half-hearted smile, and walked out of the counselling office feeling somewhat accomplished. I went straight to my dorm room where I started packing up my clothes - I knew I was going to be expelled after the things I said in this meeting, especially in front of the Board. After about 20 minutes of packing, my floor Residential Assistant came knocking on my door, announcing that I was wanted back in the counselling office. 'Here we go again', I thought.

I walked slowly across the campus, enjoying the cool weather. When I arrived in the office, the board members were conversing in their own private discussions and the President of the school was sitting hunched over toward one of the board members. I wasn't really sure what to do, so I paused awkwardly and stood in the middle of the doorway for a few minutes. Finally, the President called me over to where he was. He introduced me to the little fat man he was talking to and then walked off. The fat man told me that I was going to learn the outcome of today's discussion. He must have seen the confusion in my face and said, "Weren't you told this was an appeal of expulsion?" My jaw dropped. No one told me that I was being expelled and that meeting was supposed to be me defending myself and explaining why I should not be expelled. I dropped my head as my heart sunk to the floor. The fat man put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Sit down".

I did and the rest of the board took their seats. I sat there with my logical self fading and my foggy self resurfacing. The fat man looked around at the rest of the Board and asked if anyone was in favour of me getting expelled. Silence. I looked up to see the Board members staring blankly at each other. One of the members then motioned that this case be dropped and I continue my education. Everyone was in favour of the motion. The gavel struck.

"That's it?" I thought. The little fat man dismissed the board and after everyone had cleared out, he pulled up a chair and talked to me, like I was a human being, not a disease or the antichrist, just a normal 21 year old. He asked about family and friends, school and work, dreams and goals, everything. I thanked him for his time spent during the discussion and vote. He smiled and said,
"Even though this school is against allowing a member of the GLBT community attend, I see nothing wrong with a good, christian education, provided it IS just that."
"Sir," I said "you said the 'GLBT' community... why... I mean, most say homosexual..."
"Kiddo," little fat man said "my daughter is a little bit older than you and she is a lesbian, my son was born the twin sister of my lesbian daughter, an FTM. Whether or not you are a lesbian is no business of this college. Just do your work, go to class, and don't kiss your girlfriend in public."

At that he winked at me and that analytical, poetic smirk spread across my face. I won't let this school win, not when the head of the Board uses the term 'GLBT community'.


12 October, 2007

The earliest memory my mom has of my gender confusion came at the age of 5. I was uncanily aware of the differences between male and female, and I longed to be male. I would inquire, yes at the age of 5, about surgeries and God's role in making me a female. I would ask if I stood up to pee, would I miraculously grow the male parts and lose the female ones. My mom quieted me and figured it was a phase I was going through, and my doctors assured her it was and that I had a heightened sense of awareness.

I was always more attracted to females than to males and didn't really understand why. Eventually I chalked it up to having a somewhat lacked relationship with both my parents. Being gay wasn't an option.

When I was 13, I was visiting my grandparents and was introduced to the grand ol' internet. I started checking out these cool things called "Chat rooms". I eventually found "F4F - Ask a Lesbian Anything". As I sat staring at the computer, I was fighting a mental battle. What if I was gay? What would my parents and grandparents think of me? The next night, I decided to enter the chat and heard stories of disownment and all the other great things that comes along with the negative side of coming out. I decided that surpressing my struggle and keeping it to myself was the best way to go.

Fast forward to high school.

I met a girl, Adriana. She was into me and the feeling was mutual. We hung out at school and talked on the phone at home. One day during lunch a friend of hers came up to me and told me that Adriana really liked me and wanted to pursue a relationship. Up came my defenses. Was it that obvious to everyone that I might actually be gay? Could my family and close friends also tell? What if someone found out? I called it off with Adriana that day and told her that she misunderstood our relationship - I only wanted to be friends and I was not gay. That was the last time I saw her.

My sophmore year I was starting to get a little more comfortable and by the beginning of my junior year, I was ready to confide my secret struggle in my friend Maria. After ghost hunting at a haunted forest where occults gathered during full moons, I told her I wanted to tell her something away from our other two paranormal partners. We walked off by ourselves and I told her I thought that I was gay... She gave me a huge hug and was nothing but supportive. Feeling on top of the world, I shared my secret with the other two that night.

About two months later, I was invited to a Christian church. (A little background: I was raised in the Catholic church and fell away after my confirmation to join a pagan cult and then a satanic cult.) I decided to check out this church because she said that a live band was going to be playing, and since I was a drummer/vocalist in my own band, I liked the band scene and it was enough to get me there that night. We got there and the band started up a little while after I had been introduced to this girl's friends. They all seemed pretty normal, so I played it cool. The first song the band played was 'Lord I lift your name on high'. I think my jaw dropped as I slowly realized this band was nothing more than the church's youth band. After my intial shock wore off, I thought the church all-in-all was alright. I went back the next week, and the next, and the next, etc.

Eventually I got the talk about giving my life to Christ, leaving the cult I was part of and never having to live in fear again. So I did, just because. After that, like a shadow in a dark alley, the rules crept up on me. What I could no longer do became overwhelming, but I was afraid of going to hell, so I stuck it out and destroyed all my cd's, movies, books and everything else my appointed mentor told me was idolic. I became a robot.

One night as my mentor was taking me home from church, she asked me what my greatest struggle was. I told her all the rules. I loved practicing karate and was quite upset that after finally achieving my black belt, I was told I needed to give it up. She again asked with peircing words, "In your personal life, what is your greatest struggle?" Okay, I thought, I know I look like a guy and all and she probably wants to hear that my greatest struggle was being gay. But I didn't see it as being wrong so I played it off as though I had no idea what she was asking. She then told me about a four year lesbian relationship she was involved in that she gladly gave up for the kingdom of God. She told me homosexuality was wrong, and as my mom now says, "That's where the brainwashing began".

My world perspective changed and I attempted life as an ex-gay, because it's what I thought God wanted. I ended up going to a Christian college after I graduate high school after my mentor suggested I stay in a Christian circle. I tried dating a Christian guy from my church and was miserable. All I could think about was "Why would God create me gay if it truly was an abomination to Him?" We eventually broke up, after three days and I, once again, became bitter towards God and left the college after my first year. I took an entire semester off to clear my head and get my feet back on the ground. My parents sent me to live with my grandparents two hours away from the Christian church that sucked me in. It was there I began to mature. I taught myself how to read the Bible and look up scripture verses. I searched the internet and learned that the Bible was penned in Hebrew, Aramaic, and Greek. I used internet tools that taught me how to read and translate the original languages into English. The seven months I took off from school taught me a life lesson I will never forget, "Never trust a person holding a Bible who does not love".

I went back to the same Christian college January 2006. My mind was cleared and I whole-heartedly believed that God loved me as I was, since he created me and all. I started going to the church I had been going to with an old friend from the previous year and after a while there, I was asked to leave because they thought I was gay. Their reasoning was, and I quote, "We don't want you dating our girls and leading them away from God. We also don't want you to hand out flyers for gay pride parades". I once again became angry with God and pointed my finger into his heavens and cursed him.

During this time I also met the girl of my dreams. I was falling for her harder each day. I told her about the church's actions and she sympathized with me and agreed that I had been wronged. She also encouraged me that it was not God that kicked me out of church, it was man.

That April, we started dating. It was a comfort and encouragement just knowing that there was another person out there like me, and how lucky was I that she was infatuated with me.... okay, maybe I exageratted the infatuation... but she still decided to date me.

It's been a roller coaster battle since April 11, 2006. But love has prevailed.

Since the school year was ending a month after we had been together, we were discussing a way we could be together over the summer - since she's from Missouri and I'm from Chicago. She asked if I wanted to move into her place, so I agreed and told my parents that I was staying in Missouri because it was easier to hold a job down if I wasn't constantly moving. They agreed and thought I was being very mature. heh If they only knew.

Part way through the summer I decided to head up to Chicago to visit and invited my girlfriend, Eva. She agreed and I introduced her to my family as a friend. After we came back down to Missouri, my mom would call me randomly and ask me if I was dating anyone, I would lie and say no, and she'd ask if I even liked boys. The next time I went up to Chicago, I went solo.

One night I was sitting on the couch next to my mom. I was fiddling with my notebook and she was crocheting. She turned to me and said, "Are you and Eva dating?" I was about to deny it, when I took a deep breath, looked at her and confessed. My mom smiled and then her face changed to a sad look. I asked if she was okay and she said, "You know, I'm a little disappointed you didn't trust me enough to tell me sooner." I was crushed. My dad came into the living room and asked what we were talking about, so I fessed up to him too. He smiled and awkwardly said, "Well, congrats!" My mom and I both laughed and then I explained to them all the fears I had struggled with. How I didn't want to lose my family. My dad then asked, "Would you feel better if we yelled at you?" I said no, and they both told me they were proud of me and they would love me no matter what. They told me who I chose to love was my decision and they would support me without question. I was thrilled. "But," my mom interjected "you and Eva aren't allowed to sleep in the same room anymore when you're here visiting." I laughed and my mom smiled. She explained that I'd have to follow the same rules as if my brothers had a girl spend the night. Finally, I thought, I am one of the guys.

Since then, with much encouragement from my girlfriend, I have accepted that I am a lesbian and have come to terms with my feminality. She encourages me daily and reminds me that she fell for a lesbian, not a man.

05 October, 2007

Who determines what sin is? God gave us the Ten Commandments, so I assume that breaking those gives us sin. But why are we under the impression that a human can add on to what God calls sin? The Rabbis did it, Paul did it, the church does it. Is it right?

Perhaps "sin" as we know it is conditional. Christians in America look down on those who drink alcohol, but European christians see nothing wrong with it. So who is right and who is wrong? This not only applies to drinking alcohol, but to every thing called "sin" that is not mentioned in the Commandments. If we are to "repent and be baptized", how are we to know what we are to repent of with "sin" being such a twisted matter?

Is sin classified, then, as what the individual sees as being sin? 'Salvation' is an individualistic process, shouldn't the classification of sin be too? Or can we even say how it is that Jesus saves us that can hit upon the contextualization of the Gospel?

The mysteries of sin and salvation - in which universality is to be found has suffered from a long history of neglect. The Bible gives us a two fold structure of sin and salvation - it exposes the work of sin at the same time that it unfolds the plan of salvation. So then is sin exposed by salvation? Even so, what is sin?

Is sin merely a singular structure/system, driven toward a counter identity? Is it tangible or created? Can we physically destroy it or accept it? Is sin the manifestation of inner emotions and grudges held by one of the founding fathers of christianity? Or is it the shadow of God; God's counter identity?

If you are not able to say what sin is, then what are we saved from?





18 September, 2007

"Identity of Existence". It is a phrase from a poem I wrote that I often go back to. What is our identity? Perhaps it is the stereotype the world classifies us in or maybe what God has made us to be. Then again, if God has created us to be something, or a certain way, is that truely OUR identity? Or is that merely a stereotype God has classified us in? Can we exist any other way...

I'm sure some of the great philosophers, Thales, Socrates, Plato, have pondered in a similar way, and yet the question still starves for answer. "What is TRUTH?" The greatest question ever asked throughout not only the Bible, but the history of mankind in general. And even that question, asked to, dare I say, God himself, goes without answer. Perhaps the open question should be faulted to the author, or maybe the monks that kept the Bible to themselves when literacy was not common, or even God. No one knows, and no one ever will. It is all heresay and shall ever be.

Hypocrasy in the church has always turned away multitudes. From Alexander the Great baptizing his soldiers, but demanding they refrain from letting their right arm submerge, as that was their sword/killing arm, to Gregory the Great who forced people to choose death or baptism. Who is in greater sin: the man loathing God for his misfortune and selfish decision or the architype who thrust such a decision upon him?

And why did our Creator, who loves us so immensely, wait so long before freeing us from sin? Why did He not forgive Adam and Eve in Genesis chapter 3 and let his creation live on in peace? A step further, why did God even create the tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil to place in Eden? God, in theory, created temptation when he instructed Adam to eat from every tree in the garden EXCEPT one. That is temptation at its finest.

Throughout history there has been much religious borrowing, and most of our Judaic and Christian stories we base our theology after has stemmed from Mesopotamia. It is a marvel, an oddity, faith destroying and truth shaking to see the similarities. The creation, the great flood, and the decent to hell to save a man's first love (the human soul) have all been previously penned. Ah but of course, all other religions have borrowed from us. How can anyone be sure of that? You can't.

17 September, 2007