Coming Out About Ex-Gay "Ministries"

by Anita Cadonau-Huseby
July 16, 2010

I've never written much concerning my personal views on ex-gay programs* aside from one post years ago and a random comment here or there along the way. There have been a number of reasons for my reluctance, the primary one being that I don't have anything good to say about their ideology, theology, or integrity, and so I'd rather spend my time, energy, and words on the good that's to be found in God, in ourselves, and in the world. Which isn't to say I question the necessity of closely examining and critiquing any organizations, including the church, but I've always believed such work is best undertaken by those with first-hand knowledge and experience.

And this little lesbian has never participated in an ex-gay program. Never registered for one of their conferences. Never looked through the yellow pages for a counselor in reparitive therapy. Never worshiped in a church with an outreach ministry committed to "providing healing and restoration for the homosexual." The closest I ever came to any type of ex-gay anything was in reading a handful of ex-gay stories back in the days when God and I first started talking seriously about my own sexual orientation and even back then when I was raw and hurting and struggling internally I couldn't find any connection between my life experience and those detailed by individuals who had left the homosexual lifestyle. I no more related to their lives than had I been reading about the life of the Japanese Fire Belly Newt and I say this with no disrespect intended to the Japanese Fire Belly Newt or to anyone who self-identifies as ex-gay.

Seriously. If you were sexually traumatized as a child, neglected by your dad, lacked nurturing from your emotionally unavailable mom, acting out sexually with multiple women throughout your twenties, abusing drugs or alcohol or yourself in your thirties, and had turned your back on a relationship with God, and then going through an ex-gay program brought you to a place of healing and wholeness then I'll accept what you tell me as your story. I won't pretend to understand what you've been through at any point in your life but I respect that this is your story of what happened to you and if that's the path that led you to a fulfilling relationship with God, got you out of yourself, and restored you to the world then I'm not about to question you here or to deny that what you're saying is true for you. But here's the deal and we both know what it is. You believe homosexuality is a sin. I do not. And so we either agree to disagree and stay with what we have in common or we wish each other well and return to our respective corners. For my part I choose to hope that the grace of God could allow us to navigate our way toward a cordial way of relating with one another being that in the end we all eat from the same bread and drink from the same cup.

Just as I've never been involved in the ex-gay movement, I've never been around any formerly gay people, but I have been around a number of GLBTQ Christians who spent years of their life in ex-gay programs and lived to tell the tale. I know men and women who were so emotionally and spiritually beaten down by one ex-gay program or another that they ended up spending years in therapy healing from the mess of their experience. I know knew one gay man who after years of going in and out of the doors of a particular ex-gay program at the insistence of his religious parents ended up committing suicide when the thought of living only to try and fail again became too painful to bear.

While I never went through the doors of an ex-gay program the voices of the ex-gay movement came through my families door, imparting their outrageous theories of homosexuality and its causes, their lies about the homosexual lifestyle, and their theology of deliverance and change. My annoyance isn't because of what they put me through their teaching because I never took anything they said seriously. I heard what they were putting out there and it was so far from the truth of my life as a Christian, a woman, and a lesbian that all they said would have been laughable were it not so pathetically tragic. No. My issue with the ex-gay movement is what they put my mom and dad through in those first days and months following my coming out, since as evangelical Christians my parents turned to Christian leaders among them like James Dobson, Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson and then read literature and watched videos from groups these men recommended like Love Won Out and Exodus International.

These ex-gay groups proceeded to tell my parents I was broken, rebellious, and deceived. Their description of the homosexual lifestyle caused my parents to imagine the worst of what I might be doing at any moment and fueled their fear that the daughter they had joyfully watched grow up to embrace the Christian faith was now going to hell. These ex-gay organizations didn't hesitate to tell my parents they knew more about me than my own parents did because they knew all about homosexuals, but the lies they told my parents that continue to trouble me to this day, long after my parents and I found a way to navigate our love around our differences, long after my mom came to tell me she was happy for the love I shared with D, and long after both my parents have passed away, are the lies that burdened my mom and dad unnecessarily. Lies that caused them to believe in some way they had failed as parents and to feel guilty they had done something to contribute to my "broken, sinful condition." Did something happen to me as a child on their watch? Did they neglect me in some way? Should they have disciplined me more? Should they have talked with me more? Did they fail to affirm or encourage my femininity when I was young? Was Mom nurturing enough? Was Dad involved enough?

My parents and I had a number of painful conversations in those early days but the one I most remember is when my mom in a voice weighted down with dread at what my answer might be asked, "Did Daddy and I do something that made you this way?" All I could say to her at the time was that she and dad had been wonderful parents and just as they never did anything to make me gay there wasn't anything they could have ever done to make me not gay.

I'm not saying that any particular ex-gay organization or even James Dobson in all his self-appointed expert wisdom caused my parents to go to a place they wouldn't have gone to on their own. As I said, my folks were raised within the conservative Christian church and so their theology and worldview was formed and grounded there. No, their struggle to reconcile having a gay daughter would have already been difficult enough for them but what the ex-gay movement did through their broad brush strokes of the "gay lifestyle" and their dishonest general characterizations of gay people only deepened their worst fears. These were Christian professionals after all, experienced and trained in dealing with homosexual people, Christian therapists and pastors who regularly ministered to gay people and through prayer and counseling had witnessed countless people healed and delivered from the bondage of homosexuality and sexual brokenness. The words of these trained professionals, medical experts and Christian therapists was salt in the open wounds my parents already carried and I continue to hold them to account for adding so much as one needless moment of fear or guilt or shame to my parents lives.

Again, if you're someone who in your own words, "has left the 'gay lifestyle' through the grace of God" then all I can say is good for you and I say that sincerely. In at least the grace of God we can agree if in nothing else. But to those ex-gay organizations and leaders who continue to perpetuate dishonest characterizations and lies about GLBTQ people or make claims of change that are disingenuous at best, then shame on you. Really. Shame on you.

*I primarily refer to what are commonly called "ex-gay ministries" as ex-gay groups, organizations or programs throughout this post. I have chosen to do so intentionally as I simply can't attach the word "ministry" to anything that in my view has caused so much spiritual harm to so many lives.

©2010 Anita Cadonau-Huseby. All rights reserved. Used with Permission

Anita Cadonau-Huseby is the Founder and Administrator of ChristianLesbians.com, which has evolved into SisterFriends Together. She has spent nearly 30 years in pastoral ministry.

Note from Mary: When I was first struggling with my sexuality and my faith, I found Christian Lesbians. Anita's leadership and her delightful sense of humour made my journey easier. It was so good to know I was not the only one. I will forever be in her debt.

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