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Confessions of a Christian Lesbian
At the age of 26, the Lord put the most Godly Christians in our pathway and they were such an example of the true beauty of Christ that I was intrigued at the possibility that there might be something to "this Christianity thing". I started reading everything I could about it, took correspondence courses and did group Bible studies. At one point I said, "God, if you are really there, then speak to me in my ear so that I will know for sure that you exist, and if you do that, I will give you my life." Many months went by and I continued to devour all that I could find about the Bible and Jesus, and on the morning of Feb. 7, 1972 I awoke praising God! He had bypassed my ear and spoke directly to my heart. "You will seek Me and find Me when you search for me with all your heart." From that moment I was delivered from smoking, drinking and swearing, and to this day, I have never had a doubt of God's existence. Then at age 30, after leading my neighbour to the Lord, within a year and a half, we had fallen in love. We prayed daily to be delivered from this "terrible sin" but we just could not resist each other. For 10 yrs. we struggled and it took a toll on my Christianity. I finally said, "God I can't NOT be gay" and my belief at that time was that if I was gay, then I could not be Christian, and thus began the next 10 years of separation from my Creator, my Friend, the One who had been my constant Companion for so many years. I was now breaking my vow to God and it tore me apart. I spent these next 10 yrs almost exclusively in bed, taking Gravol and Tylenol 1's to make me sleep. Then my husband became very ill and I sensed that he was dying, and once more, but this time without any effort on my part, God made His presence known to me and I felt myself being drawn back into the fold. My dear husband did die and I started going back to Church. It felt so good to be back in God's house again and to fellowship with my friends of 30 yrs. We had new pastors, a husband/wife team, and their meetings were excellent. They seemed to be so compassionate and non-judgmental that I decided to confide my dilemma to the wife in the hope that she could counsel me and give me some guidance. I took her out for lunch and bared my soul to her. To my shock, she admitted to me that she had had 8 same-sex relationships herself and I thought, "Thank God. You have sent me someone who knows what I've been going through." She had a friend who was involved in the Ex-Gay movement and she was going to try to get her to talk to me and said she would call to follow-up. I was so hopeful with the anticipation of finally finding peace for my troubled soul. I waited day after day but she never called me, or returned my calls to her. Instead, she called my lover and started counseling her. In the process, they became "emotionally attached" and now I was just in the way. I felt so betrayed. This was my pastor, the woman I had confided in, the woman who said she would help me, and now she not only didn't have time for me, she also took priority in my lover's life. The woman I had loved for 24 years now stood me up so that she could be with my pastor. So within 6 months, I lost my husband of 33 yrs, my lover of 24 yrs, and my pastor. After so many years of being surrounded by both families, I was now alone for the first time in my life. I also lost my whole social life which was my Church family, since I obviously could no longer worship at that Church. The depth of my loneliness could not be described. Within a short period of time I met a wonderful woman on the internet, asked her to marry me and move to Canada, which she did. Unfortunately there were health issues compounding the immigration situation, so it only lasted 7 mo. and she had to return to the U.S. She is a beautiful woman and I am pleased to say that we are still friends. During this period of time I read Is The Homosexual My Neighbor?. I had read it about 20 years ago and it made sense to me then but I was so indoctrinated by the Church and by society that I was unable to assimilate it. This time however, I was able to read it with an open mind and it finally "clicked". It now makes so much more sense to me than the traditional views of homosexuality. I then started reading other books about this new research into interpretation of Scripture. I firmly believe that the Bible, in its original languages, is the inerrant Word of God. However, translations must deal with text where perhaps there is no comparable word for the original, or meanings of words are sometimes lost or changed, so, just as slavery was condoned for so many years based on incorrect interpretation of Scripture, and just as Jesus was crucified because the people of His time misunderstood Scripture, so too I believe that society and the Church have been misled into thinking that a loving relationship between two people of the same sex is wrong. God is the source of love. God has created each of us in God's own image with natural attractions to the opposite or same sex. God doesn't make mistakes. I am pleased to say that I am now at a place of total peace and harmony with my sexuality and my spirituality. I believe with all my heart that I am the person that God created me to be (still a work in progress mind you) and as such, I can be proud to be a gay Christian with all the rights and responsibilities that that entails. Of course there is no way that I can justify my adultery. The guilt at times was so overwhelming. I just thank God that I have been washed in the blood of Jesus and can now stand in His presence, forgiven. One of my daughters, when I confessed to her my relationship with her "second mother", said that I had been living a life of self-imposed schizophrenia. She was absolutely right and I thank God that I no longer have to live the lie, that I can be honest about who I am. I would rather be rejected by people for what I am, than be accepted by people for what I am not, but there has been a price to pay. It has not been easy, but I would do it again in a heartbeat. For those of you who are struggling, I pray that my story may give you hope. I encourage you to read all that you can from this fresh perspective and know that God loves you just exactly the way you are.
"You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free." John 8:32
With love to you all,
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Christian Gays has come about as a result of many years of turmoil and depression at being unable to reconcile my sexuality with my Christianity. It
is a labour of love with the mission of reaching other hurting gays who believe that they cannot be Christian if they are gay. Trust me. It IS possible to be gay AND Christian!
(See the